Life in the Fish Bowl


I'm Too Old For Shit Like This

So last night I met some  skank whores friends for dinner and a couple of movies afterwards. Yes, my friends, I went to see the premier of the new Twilight movie. I read the books - they were good.  I saw the first movie.  While not award winning cinema, I am no movie snob and thought it was a good movie.  Why would you brave the opening night, midnight movie  hysteria if you aren't a retard twitard? To hang out with my good friends.

Now to  ,the crux of the matter here.  We met for dinner and drinks at 6:30.  I met L a little before six because we both had to pick up our tickets. The rest those bitches my friends came shortly there after and we enjoyed a nice dinner.  Then we headed to the theater, where we had been told to arrive an hour early due to the crowds.

Crowds? The were none - at least when we got there. A few of those losers I was hanging out with my friends made a liquor store run - yes, YB but a loose six pack of bottled beer in my diaper bag!!!! - and then the movie started.

We saw the first Twilight movie at 9pm.  It was over at 11pm so we had an hour to kill until the next one started.  Everyone talked shit conversed until 12 and the time went by fairly quickly.  If you forget the fact that it was 100 degrees in the theater everything was great. 

Finally the movie starts and by this time I am so fucking sleepy.  I tell L to wake me up if I fall asleep and start watching the movie.  All I can say is, well, it is a movie.  A bit into the movie I am even more sleepy and my contacts are bothering me so I decide to close my eyes and just listen for a minute.

Next thing I know I am waking up.  K is giggling that I was asleep and I started snoring and Kimtastic took a picutre and hahahahahahah.  Can you say Let's Cut A Bitch?

I asked L why she didn't wake me up and she said, well, I looked so peaceful and I was quiet.  I pointed out that the time to wake me up was BEFORE I started snoring, not after.  It seems I was sleeping quietly even thought K was poking me and at some point snorted/snored/fucking something and then went back to being quiet.  Of course this was during a quiet part in the movie and the whole theater heard it.

I can only say that I wasn't too embarrassed because I was sleeping and not awake to do any thing, like, say ---cut some bitches, but that those skank ho's will get theirs!!!!

All in all, though, it was a good night with formerly supposed
good friends, though my ass is most definitely too old for that late of a night.  Next time I'm out after dinner or at least by the end of the first movie.

Of course this morning I had forgotten to turn the sound back on on my alarm so I didn't get TB up for school until 6:30 so we had to rush, rush, rush.  My boobs were EXPLODING by this time so TG got six tons of milk, which she promptly spit up all over me.  YEA MORNING!!!!

I have a full day today and tomorrow, so by tomorrow evening I'll be feeling every one of my 41 years.

Lessons Learned:
  • -watch your own back.  Skanks will not do it for you.
  • -a itty bitty baby belly can only hold so much milk
  • -turn your fucking alarm back on, dumb ass
  • -some people do not know the difference between a icy and a slush
  • -that Taylor Lautner kid is HAWT!

I'll leave you with a few pics from the night.  Go to Kimtastic's place for the one of me snoozing.

  And can you believe I left these next two at home to  hang out with those crazy women?? Bad choices, Blue Momma, bad choices.


Good Times

Tonight we had some friends over for dinner.  It was nice.  The kids played and got along well.  The grown ups did the same.  The food was good - even if I did cook it - and the company was better.  I was going to take some pictures, but was distracted by those kids, friends and food I was talking about.  Maybe Kimtastic will email me a pic for my blog.  You know she took some, if not quite as many as usual.

I know I bitch and moan a lot about things, but life really is pretty good. Don't get me wrong.  I could be thinner, richer, prettier, smarter, etc, etc.  But in all honesty?  I have a great family and great friends. I am able to stay warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  My belly is always full (ha - even too full!).

I need to shut up and enjoy what I have and that is exactly what I plan to start doing more of.

You bitches rock.  And that includes you, too, J!!

I have to admit that TB did say he wanted F, H and E to be here, but he had a ball, too.

To quote Yankee Belle, "Good times, good times."


It's Too Soon!

I had to run to WalHell today to pick up some groceries.  Yes, I have done that before, smart ass, but I haven't done it that frequently since TG was born.  You see, believe it or not, my girl likes to be held.  She has a hate/hate relationship with her car seat.  She fucking hates that bitch!!!!

Usually we go to the store and she makes it about five minutes until she screams bloody murder.  I end up carrying her in front of me in a forward facing position, trying to push the buggy with my free hand while peeping over top of the now empty car seat so I don't plow over some tooth missing, mullet sporting, wife beater wearing fellow shopper. 

This is our routine.  I've become accustomed to it.  I've bitched and moaned and couldn't do anything about it accepted it. 

But now?  Today?  I put TG in the carseat.  NO TEARS.  We go to WalHell and actually shop for things.  NO TEARS.  I push my luck and casually browse through the baby toys after getting my groceries.  NO TEARS.

I should be happy, right? 

I'M NOT!!!

I'm not ready for my baby to be all grown and able to handle shit without me holding her.  I mean really, she isn't even six months old yet!!!!!!!  Next thing you know she'll be sleeping in her own bed, calling me poopie head and getting on the school bus.  That leads to high school, college, marriage, her moving away.....gahhhhhhhhh!!!!  I can't take it!!!!!!

Seriously folks, I need another baby because mine is already practically grown.

Or maybe what I need is a good therapist and/or a fucking intervention.....

(FYI - for those of you who think I am neglecting TG while I am typing this, she is currently sound asleep while simultaneously on the boob.  I may be a shitty housekeeper, but I am a kick ass multi-tasker!)


Home Improvements

I'm remodeling a little here on the old blog.  I'm thinking maybe a remodel will have me wanting to spend more time at my old hang out.  We'll see.  Anyway, you guys let me know what you think - honestly!!  I'm no pro at this so I'm depending on yall to help me work out the bugs.  Damn bug man would just charge me a hundred bucks and I can't afford that!  It's nearly Christmas after all....


All bassackward

Yesterday I was soooo tired. We got up early in the a.m. to get ready for a birthday party. I had been busy the night before and didn't make it to pick up a present so I sent TB (The Boy, aka Punkin) and Hubby to pick something up. I told him what to get and how much to spend. He comes home having spent half what I told him and had a toy that the kid was waaaay too young for. The kid is younger than TB and TB couldn't have played with the toy. First case of bassackwardness.

TB and I had to run by Target on the way to the party, exchange the gift and buy another one. On a side note, I did get to tell TB that he was gonna be "Tardy for the Party" and we had a lot of fun singing Tardy for the Party as we hurried through the store. (Gotta love those Real Housewives!)

After the party we met a friend for lunch. After lunch I offered to take TB to Toys R Us to do a little advance scouting for Santa Claus. What kid could turn that down, right??


Little punk wanted to go to Wal Hell instead!!! That was our second case off bassackwardness. I tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted. Of course Wal Hell didn't have the toys he wanted to look at, just like I had predicted. We looked at what they had and made our way home. On the way home I was so damn tired that I could have closed my eyes and slept right there in the driver's seat.

I only got more tired as I got closer to home, but I figure me and TG (The Girl, aka Orange Juice) could nurse and nap when I got home. WRONG! She wanted no part of a nap so we actually got a blanket and layed out in the backyard with TB until it started getting cold. I did manage to keep my eyes open, but barely, and only because my phone kept ringing.

So I'm like screw it. I'm going to bed. An actual bed. For those who don't know it, I've been sleeping with TG in the recliner in the living room since she was born. FIVE MONTHS AGO. Yes, I have. Back the fuck up, haters! It works for us. Anyway, I've been wanting a nights sleep in a real bed and since hubby didn't have call that day or the next I figured he had no excuse. I took TG downstairs where hubby had been drinking beer grilling and gave her to him, informed him of the plan, left him mumbling and grumbling and headed up to bed.

Now before you all start that "poor hubby" shit, let me tell you that he has NEVER had to tend to her at night, all night. She will be six months old and this was his first time. So TB and I snuggle up and he goes to sleep. ME? Here is our next case of bassackwardness.

I can't sleep.

When I do finally go to sleep, I wake up miserable. Crampy, sore - hell, like I'd been sleeping in a chair or something! (Though I might add that my chair is very comfy.) I get up and go get in my bed (hubby is in MY chair with TG). Again, can't sleep. Wake up off and on all night long, back hurting, legs hurting. Finally, I got up and got in the other recliner and went to sleep. I guess the going cold turkey on the recliner is not going to work. Not. At. All.

Plus, after sleeping (off and on) from 7pm till sometime early the next morning? I woke up with two of these
on my chest. So a night of no sleep, aches and pains, and boulder boobs? Leads to one bitchy Blue Momma today!!! The only thing that is making it tolerable is looking down and seeing thisHubby and TB have gone to the zoo, so my house is really as peaceful as that pic would make it appear.

Bassackward, but peaceful and full of love. :-)

Wordless Wednesday

Letters in the Style of That Chick

Dear Blue Momma,

Quit whining like a little bitch because your mouth hurts. You are the one who didn't put your retainer in for over a week. Put on your big girl panties and deal.


PS. Forget that big girl panty stuff. I realize that is all you own anyway.

Dear Stupid Old Bitch Who Shouldn't Have A Drivers License,

Right after you look to your right before pulling out into the street? It would be really smart if you also looked to your left. I know I don't drive a big, humongous SUV, but I'll still fuck you up if I run into you. Plus if you make me wreck with my baby in the car and you do manage to survive? I'll kill you with my bare hands shortly thereafter.

Heifer You Tried To Run Into This Morning

Dear Everyone,

Life is too short. Give peace a chance and shit like that.

Most sincerely,
Mellow Momma

Dearest Tabby,

I love you as much as a girl can love a cat. You rock my world. However, it is really hard for me to type with a 15 pound cat laying on my wrist. Please move and while you are up go tell Pretty Girl to clean her ass. It is looking pretty ripe.

Your Mom

My Sweet Girl,

I love you more than salsa and chips. Your little smile makes me melt and forget that I haven't slept a whole night in a bed for the past five months. I don't even mind when your diapers singe my nose hairs and make my toes turn inside out.

Oh, yeah. And when you chew on your toes? It may just be the cutest thing I've seen.

I Love You,
The Luckiest Momma on Earth

My Sweet Boy,

You make your Momma so proud. The only thing that would make me prouder would be if you'd put your dirty clothes in the laundry room when you take them off.

Love you bunches,
Your Momma

PS. If you could actually deposit the pee IN the toilet vs. all around it? That would be way cool, too. XOXO

Things that are pissing me off today

  • Fucking trains that block traffic for a damn HOUR piss me off. Move that shit, people! I've worked in manufacturing and if you are a responsible company you make sure that when you switch you do NOT inconvenience everyone around you while you do your work.
  • Seton Pharmacy. If you have changed your procedures how about sharing that with your customers? Don't be a bitch with me because you have changed your hours/numbers/location. Fuckers. I hate having to use the employee pharmacy at hubby's job. HATE.
  • MawMaw and PawPaw need to stay the hell at home until school and work traffic is over. Stay home and take your geritol and drink your coffee with the soggy biscuit in it and stay out of my way.
  • Not having my happy pills for a week because I can't get through to the damn fucked up employee pharmacy. Can you tell I haven't had that "edge" taken off? Hmmm...
  • The weather sucks major ass today. I have a playgroup at my house tomorrow. Guess we'll stay inside or agree to let the kids run around with wet, muddy feet and asses. Fuckity, fuck, fuck.
  • Can't find my keys. Used the spare set, planning to use the key we keep in the garage to get in the house. That key? MIA. Hubby? Blamed it on the kid!!! Like he can reach six foot up in the air to find the thing. Fucker. Accept responsibility for losing the key and move on before you get de-balled.
  • I have a headache. It hurts. Waaaaa. I also have a hair appointment in thirty minutes and no baby sitter. Chances of the girl sleeping through it? Slim, since she is sleeping now.
Guess I better quit bitching and head out to get this frizzy mop of hair cut. Of course I'll probably get blocked by a damn train on the way.....