I'm Speechless - And That Just Doesn't Happen

Yes, I am speechless. That doesn't mean typeless (????) so of course I'm blogging about my speechlessness.

It is 10:41am. Or it was when I woke up. YES! I slept to 10:41am. I can't even remember the last time that happened. I'm actually sitting here - all alone - watching The 50 Cutest Child Stars All Grown Up, hosted by Rudy Huxtable and DJ Tanner - in complete peace and quiet.

Unbelievable.

Last night hubby slept with Punkin. I got the king size all to myself. Ahhhhh. Usually when Punkin wakes up - even if Hubby slept with him - he comes running in and pounces on me. Not this morning. I remember hearing the shower going at some point. I remember hearing them talking once, too.

Then I wake up again (damn, I'd probably still be sleeping if I just had a catheter) to total silence. I look at the clock - 10:41am. WOW. So I get up and call Hubby and they are at the zoo. He said they had "things to do" and couldn't sleep all day. Hmph. I wonder where he's heard that line?

So I'm on my on for a while. I should be cleaning up, doing laundry and working on my bathroom which has been half wall paper, half stripped wall paper for a year. But here I sit, blogging away.

What a great morning. Hubby will really expect payback for this I'm sure. I guess he's due, though. This was a nice surprise. Really nice. Hubby isn't as full of surprises as he used to be, but sometimes he can still pull a nice one. And again, this was really nice. Much nicer than I am.

Guess I should work on being nicer......

Yes, It IS All About Me!

If you've been around here at all you know I've been trying to lose a million few pounds. Yes, I know you are sick of hearing about it. I'm working out blah, blah, blah. My ass hurts blah, blah, blah. Gym, gym, gym blah, blah, blah.

Tough shit! This is my blog and I'll brag on myself talk about whatever I want!!! Really though this whole process is a bit all consuming for me lately. So when the lovely Natalie, aka Phat Phannie, mentioned starting a weight loss blog I was all for it. A place where I can blah, blah, blah all about myself and the size of my ass and it will be totally appropriate.

So we've got this little blog over here. It is very new with very few posts so far. Actually, we don't even have a name for it yet, therefore it's lovely interim name: We Don't Know What To Name This Blog. Yeah, we are waaaaay original. Any suggestions from you oh so smart, super witty peeps out there? I promise not to take all of the credit for you suggestions. {snickers}

Anyway, come over and check it out if you are into that kind of thing. Cheer us on, listen to us whine. Hang around for the sunshine and rainbows. 'Cause I'm all about sunshine and rainbows.

Hey - maybe it wasn't the spin class that made my ass so sore. Maybe it was the sunshine and rainbows shooting out of it!!!! Can't believe I didn't think of that already.....

Spin Class is the Devil

I did my second spin class this morning. Oh. My. God. My ass is so sore. They say that after three classes it stops hurting so bad, but honestly? I think that's just some skinny gym bitch propaganda! I'll be hearing take it up, add some road, pass the next rider in my sleep tonight. And it won't be a pleasant dream. It may end with me throttling the instructor.

What they really want to do is make the wide-of-ass suffer on those damn skinny, hard seats. Don't we suffer enough already? Have you looked at the plus size department lately? Mumus and grandma clothes everywhere - and then we have to take it up the ass at the gym. Puh - lease. And lets not even talk about bathing suits.

Sure, I can get one with a skirt that will cover up my ginormous hips. But then when I get in the water the skirt spreads out around me like some kind of halo and I spend all day tucking the damn thing in the legs of my suit. Which if you haven't figured it out is a major pain in the ass and oh, so flattering.


Those seats though. Who the hell invented them? How about they are wider. And more padded. Forget about my ass. My girly bits feel like they have been on a three day tequila binge with some young stud. Damn, they hurt. And this is baby time at our house. Oh, the pain. I'd rather have a yeast infection I think. The last half of the class I sat sideways on the seat, to try to avoid getting an even worse case of the hot twat.

GGGGGGGAAAAAAAHHHH. This trying to get into shape is sure hard work. It was a lot more fun gaining the weight than it is losing it!!!! And my butts and guts class? Going away after today. That really sucks because I need help in both the butt and gut department. In it's place? Step. I fucking hate step. Sorry, My2Suns, but you get to keep the kangaroo all to yourself for that one!!!

What's With the Peep Hating???

Seriously. How can you all hate Peeps? Marshmallow? Sugar? Yummm. I make a random mention of the Peeps inherent goodness and all I get are a bunch of peep haters spewing their venom in my comments!

This is unamerican. And uncanadian. Unblogian. (To quote Burgh Baby, it's a word because I said it's a word!) How dare you all!!!!! Peeps rock. If I were all soft and marshmallowy (STFU Poodlehead!!!) I would marry Peeps.

Especially the purple ones. Oh how I love the purple ones.

And now? Peeps aren't just for Easter anymore. You can hate on them enjoy their yummy goodness year round. Christmas. Halloween. Valentines Day. I bet if you stock up after Easter they will still be good by the time the Halloween ones hit the shelf if you store them away from the kids.

But where I can reach them, of course.

Punkin loves Peeps, too. I thought a lot of my readers, but now I just don't know. Next thing you know you'll tell me you are all republicans, hate cats and laugh at people who put ketchup on their steak.

Geeze. Give me a damn break. If any of your haters want to unload your unloved Peeps I'll send you my address.

Did I bitch enough that someone may send me an anonymous package full of Peeps and ask me to shut the hell up now? 'Cause you know that's what I'm aiming for.....

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If you aren't one of those haters I was talking about, you can go here and join the Peeps fan club. You know, and be one of the cool kids.

Random Ramblings

• Hubby cleaned most of the house last night. All of the really bad parts. Now he expects to be treated like the DSL repairman.
• I totally stole Habib from Jennifer. Maybe I should have my own guy. I think my guy will be Ali Baba.
• I no longer get carded at the liquor store. That officially makes me older than dirt, right?
• Yesterday Punkin informed me he didn't want to go to Australia (where we had no plans of going anyway). I asked why and he said he didn't want to see kangaroos and wombats. Duh. Could someone please explain to me just exactly how the hell the mind of a three year old works? Because I am clueless.
• Peeps rock. All colors, all shapes. They are almost as good as Jelly Bellys.
• Punkin had a temper tantrum because his BFF couldn't come over this afternoon. Then I had to sign an incident report because he spit (yes, spit) on someone. Who? BFF. Go figure.
• Those Clear Blue Easy ads where they show pee hitting the test? Just gross. Sorry, but they are just gross.
• I had tons of inspiring posts in my head while my DSL was down. Now? Just a few moths are fluttering around in there.
  

In Need of Internet Methadone

I've been without internet access for the last week. It was pure hell. I felt like some junkie unable to score her next fix. Seriously. I am so not exaggerating. Well, maybe a little, but not very much. How did we ever survive before the internet and high speed connections? Life sure was different.

The whole thing started because I talk too much. Oh, and that I want to share my brilliance with the US, Canada and Mexico. At a reasonable price, of course. So I decided to drop AT&T and move to Vonage. Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong. No. Hell fucking no. I go to Walmart to buy my Vonage box thingie. You know I was all over the $50 gift card I'd get for instore activation. The WalMart employees? No fucking clue what I was talking about. Anyway, after about thirty minutes of convincing them of what they needed to do I was activated and my gift card was on its way.

Easy peasy, right? NO. I get an email from Vonage saying that I need to do something about my DSL line. I confer with My2Sons and find out I need a stand alone DSL line. I call AT&T, chick says she can hook me up immediately so that I don't end up without a phone.

About five days later when Vonage finally gets around to starting my service I have about half a day of super cheap phone service AND DSL. Then? Right in the middle of chatting with Catwoman I lose my signal. No phone. No internet. Turns out Chick doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground! .

I call AT&T (furthermore to be referred to as TF (those fuckers)) and TF tell me that not only is my service not active, but it is not supposed to be active until Monday, which is 4 1/2 days away. After I go bat shit on Habib he transfers me to Alabama tech service. Of course he gives me the phone number - just in case - which sounds something like - two oh grrskjeu038hjkfjdsj092qwhnbsl,mhj - after which I immediately get cut off.

I then get Habib the Second who is again going to hook me up. He's the customer service manager or some thing and will get me online tomorrow. Of course we already know TF don't know shit so this doesn't happen. On Monday I am informed that no, the service won't be active that day. Just because they sent me a letter saying Monday and just because TF said Monday, it doesn 't mean Monday. It means up to 72 hours after Monday.

Holy shit. How much more is a deranged internet crack whore addict girl supposed to take? Finally on Thursday I get service. Finally. Hell, I sound like my hubby! ha! Well, that service lasts until Friday morning when again I lose it all. At this point I am too frustrated to even get mad. Obviously my ability to cuss was not effected.

I talk to Habib the Third. After a while he decides it is my modem and I try a new one (which TF sent me even though I told them I didn't need it) and wha la, it works. Then while talking to billing about how I at least expect dinner and a few drinks before I get screwed after this whole ordeal I don't expect to have to pay for the modem, the fucking thing stops working. AGAIN.

Luckily the girl at billing offers to connect me to someone who isn't speaking english as their thirty third language and this girl immediately says she'll send a guy out, but I may have to pay $85. I tell her I'll show him my boobs if he'll just fix this shit once and for all. She laughed. Obviously she thought I was kidding.

And I was. Screw the boobs. I'd probably give a blow job for it.

Anyway, miracle of miracles, they have an opening for this morning between 8 and 12 and the guy actually shows up at about 9am. He has my problem solved withing about 5 minutes (my surge protector is not DSL compatible) and after getting his blow job hearing my sob story says he isn't going to charge me.

While testing my connection he pulled up Google and I suggested he type in AT&T sucks. He starts laughing because it pulled up like 24K+ hits! Guess I'm not the only one with issues. So guy leaves, I feed my addiction and the story ends and now I'm back and boring the shit out of you again.

I really think I need to find something to obsess on other than this damn internet. Hubby suggest his bod, but damn, after 2 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant that just isn't my thing.

But hey, I can now call whomever I want, whenever I want, without worrying about the cost! So if I have your number you might want to block me or I might just call and talk your ear off. I'm glad to be back though, I missed you, love you, and sure as hell won't be able to catch up on your wonderful blogs. But I'm thinking about it and it's the thought that counts. Right?

Haiku Friday

Seven days of hell.
No home phone. No internet.
I hardly survived.

I'm finally back -
Damn, I missed my DSL!
And missed you guys, too!

Thanks to AFF
The best guest poster ever!
Can't wait to meet you.

We've stayed quite busy -
Play dates, the gym, and ROCK BAND.
Oh, yes! My new toy.

Poodlehead, watch out!
I'm practicing every day-
Guitar - not singing!!!

We're off to dye eggs
And to hang out with our friends.
A perfect Friday.

Power Trip Pt. 2: Another AFF Guest Post

Well, she's still without internet. She emailed me from a stolen connection at a friend's house today. I can tell it is eating at her. Like telling a 2 pack a day smoker the plane needs to sit on the tarmac for an extra three hours. You make promises but fail to deliver.

So, sorry. You are stuck with me once again. I have been wondering what to write on my blog, so thinking about how to write inside of a fish bowl is difficult. Then I got to thinking. I need to tell you how much I love BM.

I love BM to the moon & back. She may be almost totally opposite of me in every way - like when she says, "You're a Republican," with disdain and thinking this will upset me, so I get reply with, "And, you're a damn Democrat!" with similar disapproval - but she rocks my world. She's the only person in blogdom I've actually talked with on the phone (I've seen June Cleaver Nirvana, but she lives two towns over....and as I knew Catwoman before I knew what a blog was, I don't think that counts!) and considering we rang in New Year's together gmail chatting in our night gowns, I'd say we're cut from the same cloth. Everybody should love her like I do. That is an order!

I don't think I've mentioned it, but the family is heading to Disney World at the end of April. It's my parents' b-day present to Sweetie Darling. {2nd b-day was a swing set, 3rd is Disney...I shudder at the thought of the convertible awaiting him at 16} As soon as I got the go ahead, I totally emailed Blue and said, "IT IS ON!" which roughly translates to, "Oh, sister from another mother I am coming to see you in real life...for REALS!"

Since I don't fly, I have tried mapping this out for weeks. The route from my parents' in Houston to Orlando is straight down I-10...nowhere near B'ham. And, I was begging, pleading, and cajoling Blue to meet me in like Gulf Shores or even for beignets at Cafe du Monde in New Orleans. Apparently, these are both far from her, too. Craptastic. What to do? What to do? I cannot be within like four hours of Blue Momma and not visit her 'hood!

My father somehow decided he and Mom would fly with the baby, allowing Hubby to drive with me. He also decided we would leave from Dallas. Since he is paying for this whole trip, I let him decide such things. Especially since Dallas is off of I-20...and I-20 just happens to run through Montgomery...a mere 45 minutes south of my main Momma's crib.

Guess who gets to hang with Blue Momma in a mere month? That's right. This football fanatic who happens to dig Brits something fierce! I'm soooo excited. Puppy, not so much...he's still upset she knows more intimate details about our house than he does....and seeing someone who knows that much about him? Terrifies him. Pish Posh! I get to hang with Momma. I do. I do!

Tell me how jealous you are! April 28th....this could be historic!

Oh, the Thrill of Power

Hello, all. AFF here, in my first ever guest post, and let me tell you having the power to harness someone else's space, is a power trip like no other. Blue told me to write a post yesterday, but in my panic at such omnipotence, I became for all practical purposes frigid....I could think of nothing earth shattering. I don't know if this is any better, but my amiga asked, so I must follow through.

Blue is not really AWOL...promise. The Man is keeping her down. In her attempt to switch from the services provided by Alexander Graham Bell to the new wave 00's telephone service Vonage (cause I told her to), the Bell sought revenge. They turned off her telephone service. And, in so doing? They shut off her internets, apparently right in the middle of Gmail chatting with Catwoman.

She called me yesterday (via her cell) to tell me the obvious snub, was in fact, due to the incompetence of the lady who swore she would have a telephone. And, no matter how high she clawed her way through the disservices provided by customer service, she is not seeing a modem or an internet connection until at least tomorrow.

I know how I would feel without internets, don't you? Clammy, jittery? Need a quick fix...twitchy? Fingers that rub looking for something to satisfy and finding the keyboard willing to cooperate but unable to post. I would freak out.

Blue will be back to her sarcastic and witty self very soon. Until then, I think you are stuck with me....and for that I'm sorry. I'm going to Ikea in a little while, and I'm sure that has the potential to provide sufficient blog fodder with a little bit of snark - until then? I'm out.

What I Am or Should Be or Whatever

So what did yall think about the Belief-O-Matic? Was it accurate? Like I said before, I thought the whole concept was pretty interesting. Having lived in Alabama for most of my life and in that time having had religion pretty much forced on me for most of that time, I guess I find it interesting that my results turned out like they are.

Let me preface this with saying that I was raised Southern Baptist. Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday nights. Every week. You can throw in a revival or two here and there and it makes for a lot of church going. My mother and sister are both still very religious - just call me the black sheep.

Who knows. Maybe if it hadn't been force fed to me for so many more years I'd be involved in some type of organized religion now. I'm pretty stubborn and have always, for as long as I can remember, HATED being forced into anything. That to this day my mother doesn't seem to have figured this out just amazes me. Anyway, I was force fed and I now choose to spend my Sunday mornings reading blogs sleeping cleaning house.

So my results are as follows. ALL of them.

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%) = NEVER EVEN HEARD OF!!!
2. Mahayana Buddhism (98%)
3. Sikhism (95%)
4. Neo-Pagan (94%)
5. Jainism (92%)
6. Reform Judaism (90%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (90%)
8. New Age (84%)
9. Liberal Quakers (83%)
10. Hinduism (82%)
11. Orthodox Judaism (69%)
12. New Thought (66%)
13. Taoism (64%)
14. Bahá'í Faith (64%)
15. Scientology (63%)
16. Secular Humanism (62%)
17. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (60%)
18. Islam (59%)
19. Orthodox Quaker (46%)
20. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (44%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (38%)
22. Nontheist (38%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (27%)
24. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (22%) = RAISED
25. Seventh Day Adventist (19%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (14%)
27. Roman Catholic (14%)

So Unitarian Universalism??? I had honestly never even heard of it before. Buddhism? Does interest me. Definitely. But Scientology? Holy shit. No offense to you Scientologists out there, but still, holy shit!

I could go on and on about this subject, but Punkin just woke up and needs some hugging and hand holding. Plus it's way too nice of a day to go pissing people off about religion.

On an entirely different topic, Punkin has decided he has another girlfriend. Oh, didn't you know? He already had four, so this makes five. And of those five? Four of their names start with an the same letter as his. This one gave him a hug today and he promptly asked for a kiss, too!

Like I said, the teenage years will not be boring at our house.....

Haiku Friday

Down another pound,
But still a million to go.
Slow and steady, right?

Now off to the gym
To sweat and stretch, huff and puff.
Worth it in the end.

This week has been great.
I'm feeling like my old self -
First time in a while!

Yea! for happy pills
Yea! for good friends and sunshine
Yea! for my Punkin.

No poop ku this week.
Feeling too good for poopie.
Think it's in the past!

I hope you all have a great weekend! We actually are booked for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
That never happens. It's a good thing I'm feeling better!

Technically Still A Post

I planned to do a follow up to the beliefs post today, but my head is killing me all of a sudden and I can't think. So tomorrow, ok? I did enjoy the comments and plan to post my results, which I'm sure you all are just dying to know!

I was over at Dawn's place and noticed she had an "about this blogroll" post at the top of her blogroll. I took a look at it and really liked the idea. Basically her blog roll is a list of people who link to her, or as she puts it, "People Who Like Me". Which I think is really cool. I won't quote her here word for word, just click over and read it. But like I said, I like the idea. I think I will revamp mine the same way and instead of my own "about this blogroll" post, I'll just link to hers. Maybe I'll call it "What Dawn Said".

'Cause I'm all original like that.

And for clarification? I use Bloglines, not my blogroll, to visit blogs. So if you aren't on mine now it certainly doesn't mean I'm not visiting you every day. Or that I am. Mmmmmwah!

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For more of a view into my psyche, I give you ME, THE SHOE.

You Are Bare Feet

You are a true free spirit, and you can't be tied down. Even wearing shoes can be a little too constraining for you at times! You are very comfortable in your own skin. You are one of the most real people around. You don't have anything to hide. Open and accepting, you are willing to discuss or entertain almost any topic. You are a very tolerant person. You are accepting and not judgmental. You should live: Somewhere warm You should work: At your own business, where you can set the rules

What Kind of Shoe Are You?

What Are Your Beliefs?

I recently found this link on my BDMGE (best damn moms group ever) board. I thought, hmmmm... let's see what's up here. There are twenty questions. Very interesting, and for me, very interesting results.

Basically, the quiz asks you some questions about your religious beliefs and then tells you which religion those beliefs most agree with. So choose the answer that most agrees with what you actually think, not what you THINK you SHOULD answer.

Go take the quiz, then lets talk. I'll share my results, too, but want to hear from you first!

I'm off now to clean house play with Play Doh, then to the gym to work out the kinks left after nine hours of consignment sale work. Yes, work, not shopping. Volunteer, unpaid work. But I didn't buy one thing. I'm so proud of myself!!!