Life in the Fish Bowl

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Let's Talk About Sex


Let's talk about sex.

Who likes it? Raise your hands......Ok, I see about 95% of you have your hands up. Now, who actually has it very frequently? Ahhh, I see Random Mommy and OBE and a few others, but not quite the 95% from my first question.

So what is the problem? We like sex, yet we don't do it with any great frequency. Don't send me nasty emails because of that. Let's just assume, for the sake of this post, that everyone else does it like bunnies and I am the only one not getting my freak on every chance I get. That's what my hubby thinks anyway.

I do like sex. Really, what else that doesn't involve chips and salsa or peeps could be as much fun? I used to do it all of the time. Every chance I got. I remember having a conversation with a friend, an older friend, back sometime in the early 90's (I'd have been in my mid 20's) about sex. She said she had been just too tired to do it the night before when her boyfriend came over.

I thought this was absurd!!! Too tired for sex? Puh-lease. How could you ever be too tired for sex? I just couldn't imagine. Hubby to be and I were at it every chance we got. Of course we made time for pizza, beer, wacky weed and cashing our unemployment checks!

Now things are different. Hubby works all. of. the. time. We have a house, a child - real grown up responsibilities. By the end of the day I am tired. Honestly, the thought of crawling into bed and curling up and going to sleep is much more tempting than a romp in the hay. Come on. I've been to the gym, I've chased Punkin all day, I've cooked and cleaned (stfu you haters!). I'm about resting and doing NOTHING.

When we do get going the sex is good. I enjoy it. Best ever. But I'd just rather sleep most nights. Hubby doesn't get this. He's ready to go and a moments notice. Doesn't get what has changed. I tell him I'm tired. I'm sleepy. That him saying hey, lets go do it, doesn't get me all hot. That just because I am being nice to him and not calling him a fucktard doesn't mean I'm asking for sex.

Hell, just because I am breathing doesn't mean I'm asking for sex. And what is it with the stove? I could stand in front of the stove cooking hamburger helper with green hamburger meat, unshowered, yesterday's make up and Punkin's poop smeared down my leg and it would make him horny. Seriously. I don't think I've ever stood in front of the stove when he didn't pretty much come and try to jump my bones. What's up with that?

And it's not like I am Mrs. Super Hot these days. I've gained weight over the years. Lots of weight. And funny thing, you usually get naked to have sex. Me naked? Not such a pretty picture. Add to that the happy pills which have side effects and poor hubby is pretty much screwed.

Or I guess, more accurately, now screwed.

The other night he shows me a page in the Handy Man magazine(?!?!?!?!). It is for some kind of sex manual/book/video. I told him he had better worry about getting me in the bed before he worries about what we are going to do there. I feel bad for him. I just can't seem to get back into the groove.

Any ideas? Comments? Suggestions? Am I weird? Is it just me? Because I'm thinking it isn't. I was told the other day that at 40 some switch gets flipped and you just have to have it. Maybe that will be true and hubby will live happily ever after.

I'm hoping so, but I'm not holding my breath.

28 comments:

Feener said...

i just turned 40 and ain't no switch switching over here. i am tired....and feel icky, and need lots of FOREPLAY. i thought of getting those sexy dice to get things started, but i probably wound up buying little people for the girls.

phonemom said...

We just had this conversation the other day. I think it's just being a mom, a wife and all around exhausted. I love my husband but the amount of crap I have to do sneaks into my head and ruins the idea of getting it on. We have made a pact, for me to try and let it all go sometimes and to realize that sex can be a serious stress reducer. This doesn't mean that he's getting it every night but I'm trying to be closer to once maybe twice a week.
I do wish that they didn't look at us when we're all grubby and disgusting and decide to be all handsy. I hate that.
Also, I'm also waiting for this switch to flip. Because dammit we were promised a switch.

nikki said...

I could have written this post, but my husband reads my blog. I have no urge to piss him off any more than I already do.

I'm exhausted. I take care of 90% of the house, plus work 40 hrs a week. I'm surprised I can't sleep while standing up. If only the hubsters could learn to help out more then maybe I'd feel more like getting nekkid between the sheets.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

you know how i feel about this topic. i ditto almost all...other than having a hubby who feels the same way.

Mommapeas said...

Hmmm... as far as advice, I have none. Other than get a nanny and a maid and then maybe you'll have the energy and urge. Just hang in there and break off a piece for hubby every now and again. Hell, maybe even more than you'd like and maybe you'll see things turn around for both of you ;)

Rachel said...

Seems like you and I have the same problem. I wrote a post JUST like this last week.

K-Mom said...

Hubby wanted to do it the other night and I was like whatever. So I said, "Okay, but I just took a sleeping pill so you have about fifteen minutes until it kicks in, after that you're on your own."

Seriously, though, we have found that Sunday afternoon (when Miss P is napping) is a great time to dip the big chip...afterward, we take a nap too.

Poodlehead said...

Sounds like my world. And then he gets his feelings hurt by me turning him down and I am hypersensitive to any affection because I don't want to reciprocate and then it turns into sex for him (highly likely) and then he gets his feelings hurt.

And the person that said the switch gets flipped at 40 was my slutty friend.

beautyishere said...

Wait! Your sex doesn't involve salsa, chips and peeps? What kind of kinky stuff are you in to?

::going back to read the rest of the post::

beautyishere said...

Ok- I don't have any advice, at all. Except, maybe when Punkin takes a nap, try to take a catnap? I'm not trying to sound mean, but I do that sometimes, and it makes me a little more willing at night.

And, I don't get it with the stove thing either, Sparky jumps on me like a dog when I stand in front of the stove. It's weird.

Junebug said...

Well, we all seem to be in the same boat. I'm 50 and sex did get better for me after 40, more relaxed and able to know what I want. But, I'm tired most of the time and taking my clothes off after I get into bed is not something I feel like doing. Men are visual and ready for it all the time. I need some coaxing. I sometimes feel like I could do it more often if it didn't take so long. Isn't that awful? 'Cause I just want to go to sleep.

Kila said...

Honestly, because of the kids and all the work and exhaustion they create, plus working full-time, and keeping up the house, etc., I have no interest or energy for it. Just couldn't care less. (I'm often frustrated with DH about something too yet, so that doesn't help. Plus I'm a little overweight right now.) When I finally go to bed, it's because I'm completely exhausted, and I want to be left alone.

I remember how horny I was in younger years, LOL, and it seems completely foreign to me. I can't believe that was even me.

SwampAngel65 said...

Let me tell ya, no flip switches at 40. Nope. Sex has turned into a 3-4 times a year deal for me..well, 3-4 times a year with the hub. hehehehe!! And no, I don't mean I'm cheating, either!

Anyway, a big part of my problem is that the Squirt sleeps with my hub. Will not sleep by himself. Hub doesn't seem to mind that I sleep in the baby's room every night by myself.

Once in a blue moon he'll get all horny like but most of the time, it is not in sync with my hornyness. Oh well. Sad, but at this point I don't really even care that much. Give my fresh batteries and I'm satisfied!

Catwoman said...

I think it's just a normal part of getting older. We do more things now than in our 20's. We're tired all the time. And it just seems like too much effort to start the process.

Once it's done, I'm glad we did. It's just the getting started part I find hard.

Alison said...

I felt the same way as you when I was in my 30's...I entered my 40's last year and a switch did get flipped...I am still overweight and I am still tired...but I am more comfortable with me and have a "take me as I am" attitude...so life in the bedroom is better. Don't worry about it..I think the more you worry about it, the worse it is. When I let go of the worries...it all started to flow easier.

I'm a Mom!..? said...

Try adding twins and 2am feedings in to the mix.. Here I was all anxious about my time frame after they were born. We don't even have time to look at each other right now.

Maybe try setting a time aside each week, even when I'm not in the mood, I'm usually glad I did it anyway...

Good luck!

Seis said...

This is going to show how OCD I am, but what the hell. I seld schedule for at least twice a week. I pick Wednesday night because it is hump day and that makes me giggle. Then I aim for at least one day on the weekend. I try to stay up until after skate night, but if that doesn't work out I still have Saturday and Sunday. If we do it more than that it is a bonus. As for getting back in the groove, you just have to get back on the proverbial horse. I've found that if I just do it, I will be glad and I will want it more.

Emma in Canada said...

Haha...lots to say but on my way to work. Will write later.

Kellie said...

Huh. I could've written this post. And, I'm with Catwoman. Once the deed is done, I'm glad I did it. Getting there? Not so much.

:)

justmylife said...

My husband spends a great deal of time with his feelings hurt. He thinks it has something to do with him, it doesn't. He seems to think that I should jump his bones because he jumps mine 4 million times a day. He says I should be glad that after 20 years he still wants me. I do, but I just can't seem to get interested here lately either.
I am inching ever so close to 40 and I haven't had a switch flipped and I don't see it happening. I wish I could give some great advice, but it looks like we are all in the same boat. I wish you luck and if you get helpful advice, post it, I could use some help in the area too!
I shoot for at least once a week, but he would like it twice a day, or more. I am looking for the happy middle ground.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

LOL I just blogged about this last week. We are both just too tired, on different schedules, and would usually rather sleep than have sex.

I love your point about worrying about getting you INTO bed before worrying what to do once you are there. Great line!

Snappy said...

My husband and I have been married for only 3 years, and this happened to us last year (and part of this year). Alot of it had to do with the way I felt about myself. Then some had to do with him not being big on compliments. Now, I don't need my ego stroked by no means, but it's nice to be told you look pretty every once in a while. I mean, throw me a bone already! But, the main component in our problem was me doing all the work at home and constantly being so stressed that all I wanted to do at bedtime was sleep. I told him, You want sex, wash some clothes/cook/sweep/etc. so I don't have to when I come home, then I will have the energy to jump on the good foot and do the bad thing. It worked. Who'd of ever thunk splitting up housework would be so productive? Much kudos to you! I hope it works out for you!!

"MommaDrool" said...

I am so glad that you brought up "the stove!" I have always wondered that too...do they all have a fantasy about bending us over in the kitchen or what?! Glad it's not just my horn-dog!

Jenni said...

I think there is always an ebb and flow to sex in marriage. My husband and I are both on the ebb side right now!

Sometimes after a long day, we'll be lying in bed and I'll say, "sex or sleep?" and we both say "sleep!"

But I wouldn't say no to a back rub!

Lil Mouse said...

i'm not as old as some of you (experienced?) -- whatever, you get the point. but i do know that taking birth control. totally F'bombed my libido. as in I never had one for the entire time i was married. i did it because my hubby wanted it, and even then it was only when i wasnt so damn tired. so my hubby got used to not as much. then i got OFF of the nasty BC. WOOHOO!!!! so for me, it was all about the hormones.

oh and you tell him what to make for dinner and take care of munchkin, while YOU go and take a bath, get all prettified, and then just relax while he finishes up and does the dishes. do that for a whole week and see how that does for you. and for him. maybe he'll get a clue. seriously. i've made no bones about telling my hubby that me working 40 hours a week and doing all the household chores was not an option. he helped or he didnt get any. lets just say he does a lot more helping around the house. even now that i'm NOT working 40 hours a week. he got a clue. finally. i hope yours does too! and i mean that in the NICEST way!

Jennifer said...

I hear it gets a lot more interesting after the kids leave home. Me, I spend my time trying to avoid it. Too much work. And you know happy pills have an adverse affect on your sex drive. Be miserable and have sex, or be happy and celibate!

monkeysandmarbles said...

oh man...i've been thinking about writing this post for a long time. (of course, that would require me to write *any* posts!). i'm havin' the exact same thing going' on over here.

luckily, hubby has been really patient with me since i've been struggling to find medication that actually helps me get out of my ppd funk. but i know he wants some...and to tell you the truth sometimes i do to. but the thought of actually going through with it....man, i'm just so tired! and fat!!!

CPA Mom said...

seems to me this same post is making the rounds. we ALL feel this way.

my 40 year old friend told me the same thing. I said I'll believe it when I see it.