Life in the Fish Bowl

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Blue Momma....Revealed, Part 2


I'm finally back to the questions I was asked last month. God, I am such a slacker. I know you all were just inconsolable that I took so long to answer these and I am really sorry.

Better late than never though, right? Here goes.

beautyishere wanted to know: Who is your celebrity crush? I must admit to having the hots for Brad Pitt since way back when he was in Thelma and Louise. That is just one hot dude. But since he's taken (damn), I guess my fall back is Moe Doodle. I. Heart. Moe. No comments please.

What is your pet peeve? I only have like ten million of them. I am very annoyed by people who put on airs or act fake. Be who you are and like who you are. I hate people who drive below the speed limit. Your old dude. Hurry up and get where you are going before you die.

What is your favorite animal? This one is easy. I LOVE CATS. More than Brad Pitt or Moe Doodle. I'm sure one day I'll be one of those old ladies in a house with 50 cats who you see on one of those animal rescue shows. Of course they'll come busting in to rescue mine to find them all clean and happy, with breath smelling like roses. If you don't like cats? You've just been around the wrong ones. You'd love mine.

Lil Mouse asked how my hubby and I met or fell in love, etc. Hubby and I met in a most romantical (yes, I know that isn't a word, but I really like it) way. We were selling shoes at JC Penney. It wasn't love at first site. He was too young, immature, got on my last damn nerve. But here we are today. He is still immature and still getting on my last damn nerve, but thanks to my happy pills it is still working.

Why did I get involved with someone who was young, immature and got on my last damn nerve? Can you guys say BOOTY CALL?

SwampAngel65 asked if I pick my nose when no one's looking. Doesn't everyone? Though sometimes Punkin does it for me. I love these really cerebral questions. Of course as the mother of a three year old to another mother of a three year old? I totally get why you think that way!

Burgh Baby's Mom gets the non monetary prize for most fun question. She wants to know:
Who would you rather do the horizontal tango with:

Christina or Britney? Christina seems a little snooty for my taste. Too high maintenance. And too skinny. Britney on the other hand is a nut job these days. She's also from the south so she wouldn't make fun of my accent. Plus I think she is really hot when she has showered and isn't wearing those damn cowboy boots. I figure you could get her drunk, make her go first and then she'd pass out before she expected you to pay up. Sorry, but there are some places this chick's mouth just aren't going.

George Clooney or Brad Pitt? Do I even need to answer this one. George is hot, but if I get to pick between the two I wouldn't even have to stop and think about it. Drop trou, Brad, and lets go!

George Bush or Bill Clinton? First of all, W makes me puke. I can't stand to even look at him on tv, much less naked. That face of his? Can you imagine his O face? My skin is crawling just thinking about it. Now Bill, on the other hand, seems like a dirty boy. I always liked dirty boys. He would be fun. Oh, yeah. I am a non smoker though, so none of that cigar shit.

Animal or Kermit the Frog? Kermit definitely. After wrestling around with dirty boy Bill, I think Kermit would be are refreshing change. I mean, come on. He'd do anything you told him to. And be grateful for it. Plus he isn't hairy. Animal is just way too fuzzy for me. Hell, you'd have to take a tooth pick or two or some dental floss into the boudoir with you.....

Bren wanted to know if I know about installing Photoshop? Why, yes, I do. I learned from my own screw up, which is why I only have CS2 instead of CS3. How about I just install it for you when I come to TX in June? As I've said before, I'm such a slacker. Forgive me?

justmylife wants to know what the worst thing about living in Bama is? The best? If you could live anywhere, where would it be? It's hard to come up with a worst thing. I'm not a big fan of living here and if my family would either move or piss me off bad enough to write them off for good I would so be out of here. What is bad about it? The heat. The humidity. The fact that it is about as red of a state as you can get. That a lot of the people here are so close minded and judgemental, in spite of wearing their religion on their sleeves.
What is the best thing about it? It is a relatively cheap place to live. Well, it is if you import your salary. Of course now that I don't have one I'm missing the 100K years that hubby had in Michigan. My family is here and I get free babysitting Punkin gets to see them. Oh, and only Alabama has TBDMGE!!!!!!

If I could live somewhere else it would be new England. We live in Massachusetts for a while and just loved it. Loved it. No complaints really, other than the cost of living and the 18 hour drive to Alabama when we wanted to visit. I proudly call myself an honorary yankee. Hopefully we'll be able to go back one day for good. I miss it.

Jenni wants to know what my all time favorite book is. I used to read a lot when I was younger. I'd read anything. Later in life I leaned more toward historical nonfiction. I still like to read it, but just don't seem to find or make the time for reading as much anymore. I'm one of those people who start reading a book and then can't put it down. It totally consumes my time for the few days until I finish it and it's hard to budget that kind of time these days. I guess my favorite that I can think of right now are the Harry Potter books. I had a marathon session over a week last year and read them all. Love me some Harry.

Ok. That's all of them. I didn't get any embarrassing ones and I'm kind of sad and glad at the same time. I figured Random Mommy and Catwoman would be good for a zinger or two, but they let me off this time.

Laundry is calling me. Catch yall later.....

From the Mouths of Babes


Mama, Mama. Look.

These are my balls. Look.

Yes, Punkin.

Look. I'm gonna pop them.....

Uh, you might not want to do that.

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Momma, you my bestest, squishiest friend!

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Come wipe!

OK. (walks into bathroom to wipe toddler heinie)

Why are you playing with yourself?

It's fun.

It's fun?

It's baby Elmo!

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Did you have fun at Nanny's?

Yes, but I was so sad.

Why were you sad?

Because I didn't have any mommy.

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F is my best buddy.

I though C was your best friend?

C is my best friend, F is my best buddy.

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Look at my new dinosaur.

It's a flamingoraptorosaurus.

Ok.


Is It Finally Saturday????


Have you ever met one of the blogger's you read? I'm not counting the ones you know already, but the ones you stalk from afar?

I've met one who is local and we had a great breakfast. In fact, we sat at the same table most of the day and ended up having breakfast and lunch! We still get together for lunch and I'm glad to have made a new "in real life" friend.

Was I nervous? Why hell yes! We had only communicated via email so I didn't even know what her voice sounded like and the only picture I had seen of her she was wearing plastic, yellow cartoon hair!!!! (Which, unfortunately, she couldn't wear to lunch. False advertising is what I call that!) But I was way nervous. Would I be like she thought I'd be? Would my boringness send her running from the restaurant?

So tonight Anglophile Football Fanatic and her hubby, Puppy, are coming into town. We are meeting them for dinner and again, I am way nervous. I've talked to AFF just about every day for months now and we've also talked on the phone a good bit. I think she is great and we are at the same time both totally alike and completely different, which I find to be a great quality in a friend. I feel like I know her as good - or better - than a lot of the people I know IRL. So why am I so damn nervous?

If you haven't picked up on it before, I'm my biggest admirer. Yes, I said it. I think you have to like yourself to be truly happy and I like myself. What pulls me down? These 8,000 pounds I still have to lose. When I said I liked myself I meant the inside me, not the outside! My wonderfulness is trapped inside this big fat body which I do my best to hide. Funny how a blog is perfect for hiding that kind of thing!

On my blog I can pretend to be thin and fabulous.....ok, I don't pretend to be thin, but I can imagine that all my readers think I am. In person? No pretending. Ok, I admit it, I'm fabulous (STFU Poodlehead!), but not thin.

Why does this bother me so much? I guess I just grew up hearing how fat I was and it stuck with me. Now I'd kill to be as "fat" as I was as a teenager, but I just can't seem to shake the bad body image. I'm sure if I get down to 12o I'll still feel that way.

Or either I'll become the most insufferable, full of herself, thinking her shit doesn't stink bitch in the South! (Again, Poodlehead, shut up! And quit saying I already am!) .

Anyway, Mrs. AFF gets to meet the real deal tonight. Hopefully she isn't too disappointed. It's not like we are dating or anything. I promise, I have no plans to put out, even if I was asked! Just ask my hubby.....

I'm excited, scared, nervous - you name it. I can't wait. But seriously, this will get me over the hump. It'll break me in. Now I'm expecting all of you to stop by Birmingham as you are headed on vacation and to visit me! I want to meet everyone. And I don't care if it is 300 miles out of your way! Get your asses here. If your hubby's aren't scared of meeting your weird internet friend you are even welcome to the guest room. We can play Rock Band (yes, I'm obsessed with it and WILL make you listen to me screech sing.)

Well, I'm off now to primp and manicure and pedicure and exfoliate and glimmer and all of that good stuff. Punkin and hubby are at the zoo and then Punkin is heading to nanny's for the night so maybe hubby will even get lucky.

Check back later for pics (yes, I am even going to allow myself to be photographed, uhggggg) here and on AFF's blog. I'll be doing my first guest post over at her place on Monday so come over and visit her, if you don't already.

Wish me luck......

Woe is Me, And All of That Kind of Thing


Can you believe my AC still isn't working? We are going on two weeks now. Ok, so they actually "fixed" it and it worked for one whole day. I really don't think I have to count that. Two weeks. And yesterday? It was hot. The Weather Channel says the high was 83, but when I got into my car after the gym, it said 88 degrees. That is way hot for this chick.

Luckily, Seis and My2Sons were nice enough to keep me company so we stayed cool until about 7pm when we returned home after avoiding the hot house all day. By about 9pm the house was cool and this morning it is actually a bit chilly. Of course that will change in a few hours.

May I just say that American Home Shield sucks the biggest pair of donkey balls I can imagine? Honestly, I think we are just going to have to cancel our vacation and finance a new AC/heat pump ourselves. Which really sucks and really drives home the point that I should be working. Grrrrrr.....

My dryer that went out the day after the AC did? After a week hubby finally concludes that he doesn't know how to fix it. We call Sears, they come out the next day and inform us that it will cost $324 to repair it. Fuck. We decide to just buy a new el cheapo dryer and be done with it. Again, Seis comes to my rescue and actually picks it up for me, brings it to my house and helps me get it in the door - saving me the $75 delivery fee. My nonblogger friend and her hubby also came by to help get things back in working order. It's nice to have friends.

Punkin yanked the plug out of the end of my laptop cord, separating me from the internet until my new cord - uh, cordS - arrived. This also kept me from being able to charge my cell phone, as my cell charger STILL hasn't arrived and I still cannot locate my electric charger. I finally figured out that my car charger was bad after blowing the fuses in my car about five times and in my mother's car once.

I just want to know what the hell else is going to go wrong around here? I can't take much more!!! Tomorrow night I'm going with Seis and Poodlehead to a bingo - yes, I said bingo - fund raiser at a local college. PH says there will be beer and wine and the best barbecue ever, along with the chance to kick some old lady ass at bingo and maybe win a few bucks. I'll all over it, as long as they have AC.

Saturday my sister from another mother, AFF, is coming into town for a visit. I am very excited, but also very nervous. I hope I don't disappoint her too bad. I'll also get to meet Puppy, which will be fun, too, though I know he is very nervous. If gas isn't $10 a gallon by summer, I'm going to visit them, too. Again, I'm very excited. This whole having a social life thing is really growing on me.

Saturday Seis and I went to see Juno at the $1 theater. Can I say that I am in love with the shabby $1 theater? Come on. $1??? I was actually able to get a LARGE coke without feeling guilty. Dinner, a movie and a coke for $15? When the hell does that happen? Oh. We saw Juno. Can I just say that I LOVED that movie? I heard all of the buzz and of course immediately dismissed it, but I must say it was great. Well, except for the last two minutes. Totally didn't get that, but it was great. Go see it or rent it or whatever. Great movie.

Ok, I'm off to get Punkin ready for school now and to prepare to sweat and cuss and plan for the destruction of American Home Shield. Yall have a great, air conditioned day!

Another Post From the Sandbox


Hi. It's me again. Back at the sandbox.

Well, this time I'm in a chair beside the sandbox. I'm movin' up, you know.

And just to let you know? I now realize that if I sit out here at the back of the yard? There are TWO connections available for me to pirate. I feel so dirty, but I'm kind of liking it.

We've been at my mother's house for two days now and I've yet to have the urge to kill her. Of course she was at my sister's all day yesterday and last night and then worked today. My father? Now that is another story.

You know him, right? Look up asshole in the dictionary and you'll see his picture.

Punkin and I - ok, well, mostly me I guess - figured that since everything Punkin did was wrong that he might as well do what ever he wanted and have fun. If you're gonna do the time, might as well do the crime. That sort of thing.

Anyway. Asshole. King of.

You know that saying about things coming in threes? Well, I think it's true for me here lately. First my year old AC goes out. Then my not quite three year old clothes drier dies. After that my car cell phone charger goes haywire. That wouldn't be such a big deal if I also hadn't lost my electric charger. So if you tried to call my cell, I wasn't ignoring you. I'm just an unlucky dumbass.

Come on. What else do you expect?

I am the daughter of the asshole king, after all.

Stealing Internet - Ain't it Grand?!?!?


I'm at my mother's house.

In the yard.

Sitting on the sand box.

The neighbors?

HAVE A WIRELESS CONNECTION!!!!!!!

I can't connect from inside the house, but I figure no one will notice me out here after dark.

Maybe this won't be so bad.

Unless it rains.........

I'm Not a Big Fan of Sweating


It's springtime. Springtime in Alabama.

This means that the temperatures are starting to creep into the 80's, the humidity is getting ready to join us once again and that my air conditioner has decided to go out.

This AC? A brand new unit that was installed (courtesy of our shitty home warranty) at approximately this same time last spring.

Oh, and did I mention it was a replacement for the prior BRAND NEW unit? Which the installers inconveniently forgot to mention that they had dropped off of the fucking truck and had then tried to repair before installing at my house? Still calling it brand new. Fuckers.

Did I mention that the the first new unit and the second new unit both make a sound like a jet liner landing in my living room about every third or fourth time they started up? Of course it isn't making that sound now. No, now it is just sitting there in about two inches of oil or some oil like substance, resting itself, not doing it's job.

All of this leads to me and Punkin packing up our crap and heading to Nana's house until the sorry fucker gets fixed. Which, when dealing with AHS, could be Monday or December. Nana's house has no internet access. Nor does it have anyone close enough to steal internet access from. They also have no Starbucks or Panera where I could go and use a connection.

So I will be AWOL for a while. Of course I won't have to cook or clean or do much of anything else. I also won't be able to go to the gym, which really bothers me. I guess I'll just do shit loads of crunches and maybe walk around the block or something. I also won't have my DVR, my RockBand or my king size bed. But I guess I'll live. Anyway, this is it for a bit.

Please refrain from posting anything good until I get back ok? I hate to miss everything. And did I say I wish a pox on Carrier air conditioners and all of their miscellaneous brands?

Because they really suck.

Blue Momma....Revealed, Part 1


So I guess it is time to get to the questions from the other day. I didn't get any that were too shocking - which surprised me! - so maybe this won't be so hard. Of course it may be boring......

Junebug asks: Do they play music in spin class and is the instructor really that close to the front row people? Yes, they play music in spin class. It's pretty loud, too. I figure it is that loud to cover up the screams of the spinners as those hard seats bury themselves in their asses. The instructor is right there in front of us, maybe a bike and a half length away from the front row. She obviously has buns of steel because the hour class doesn't seem to bother her ass at all. The class is pretty boring, but burns tons of calories.

Emma wants to know:
What's your middle name? I was born with the middle name Leigh. When I got married and changed my name on my SS card I put my maiden name as my middle name. So I guess the answer is I really don't know what my middle name is. Do you count the born with or the SS card one?

Is your first name short for something or is it your actual first name? (I have a name thing, you know.) No, my first name is my first name. Not short for anything. Though some days hubby might say it is short for Bitch Queen of the Universe.....

When are you coming to Edmonton? hehe I'll be there as soon as you send me a ticket or I come into some money! Or gas drops below $2 a gallon. Seriously though, why does everyone have to live so damn far away? I really would love to do a grand blog tour of the US and stalk meet all of the bloggers I love.

Dream vacation? I've always wanted to go to Greece. A tour long tour of Europe would be nice, too, but if I have to pick just one country I'll go with Greece. I'd love to go when Punkin is a bit older and show him all of the sights. Since I've never been outside of the US we'd be seeing it all for the first time together.

Will you stay in Alabama or is there a chance you might move elsewhere? It looks like we'll be in Alabama for a while, maybe forever. Unless my family really pisses me off, as they are the only reason we moved back here. I would love to go back to New England, where I felt totally at home after about an hour of living there. If we ever do move that is where we will be headed.

Poodlehead wants to know: why you skipped BodyPump this morning to 'supposedly' clean and this short little blog is all you came up with. ;) The answer is that I DID clean up!!! I didn't "skip" to blog, I skipped to clean up. Why do you give me such a hard time, Poodlehead? Like I always say, bite me.

K-Mom wants to know: If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be and why? And would you share your dessert with them? Hmmmmm. I don't know. Bill Clinton maybe. I'd like to ask him about all of the people he's met and how they really are. I think he'd be very interesting and fun. Share my desert? I don't know. No telling where that mouth has been. Of course I'd also like to have dinner with Brad Pitt. Why? Need you ask? Because he's waaaaay hot. And I'd share more than my desert with him!

Sara asks: If you had one bullet and guaranteed amnesty, who would you use it on? Now I'd like to say no one, but that isn't true. The problem is, these days I'm really not hating on anyone, so this is hard. I'd say George Bush, but then we'd have Chaney as pres, and I don't know if that wouldn't be worse. I'd think that God Hates Fags guy could use a bullet. And anyone who fucks with my Punkin.

The Bloggess wants to know: What's the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you? I guess I've had a life full of minor embarrassments, but nothing that I'd call really major. Oh, wait. I'd say the time that someone obviously slipped something in my drink and I jumped up on the stage to sing with the band at the club we were at, then ended up passing out in the bathroom (on the toilet, no less). My friend and her GUY FRIEND had to get my pants back up and carry me out to the car. I had a body suit on under my sweater. Not my proudest moment.

Jennifer asks: Do you have the blue dot on your car because you think it looks cool or is it a deeper expression of your angst at living in this repressed and backward state??? I'd say both. I do think the blue dot is cool, but it is so the latter also. Come on now, you read the bullet answer, right? No repressed republican here, I promise!

Let's Talk About Sex


Let's talk about sex.

Who likes it? Raise your hands......Ok, I see about 95% of you have your hands up. Now, who actually has it very frequently? Ahhh, I see Random Mommy and OBE and a few others, but not quite the 95% from my first question.

So what is the problem? We like sex, yet we don't do it with any great frequency. Don't send me nasty emails because of that. Let's just assume, for the sake of this post, that everyone else does it like bunnies and I am the only one not getting my freak on every chance I get. That's what my hubby thinks anyway.

I do like sex. Really, what else that doesn't involve chips and salsa or peeps could be as much fun? I used to do it all of the time. Every chance I got. I remember having a conversation with a friend, an older friend, back sometime in the early 90's (I'd have been in my mid 20's) about sex. She said she had been just too tired to do it the night before when her boyfriend came over.

I thought this was absurd!!! Too tired for sex? Puh-lease. How could you ever be too tired for sex? I just couldn't imagine. Hubby to be and I were at it every chance we got. Of course we made time for pizza, beer, wacky weed and cashing our unemployment checks!

Now things are different. Hubby works all. of. the. time. We have a house, a child - real grown up responsibilities. By the end of the day I am tired. Honestly, the thought of crawling into bed and curling up and going to sleep is much more tempting than a romp in the hay. Come on. I've been to the gym, I've chased Punkin all day, I've cooked and cleaned (stfu you haters!). I'm about resting and doing NOTHING.

When we do get going the sex is good. I enjoy it. Best ever. But I'd just rather sleep most nights. Hubby doesn't get this. He's ready to go and a moments notice. Doesn't get what has changed. I tell him I'm tired. I'm sleepy. That him saying hey, lets go do it, doesn't get me all hot. That just because I am being nice to him and not calling him a fucktard doesn't mean I'm asking for sex.

Hell, just because I am breathing doesn't mean I'm asking for sex. And what is it with the stove? I could stand in front of the stove cooking hamburger helper with green hamburger meat, unshowered, yesterday's make up and Punkin's poop smeared down my leg and it would make him horny. Seriously. I don't think I've ever stood in front of the stove when he didn't pretty much come and try to jump my bones. What's up with that?

And it's not like I am Mrs. Super Hot these days. I've gained weight over the years. Lots of weight. And funny thing, you usually get naked to have sex. Me naked? Not such a pretty picture. Add to that the happy pills which have side effects and poor hubby is pretty much screwed.

Or I guess, more accurately, now screwed.

The other night he shows me a page in the Handy Man magazine(?!?!?!?!). It is for some kind of sex manual/book/video. I told him he had better worry about getting me in the bed before he worries about what we are going to do there. I feel bad for him. I just can't seem to get back into the groove.

Any ideas? Comments? Suggestions? Am I weird? Is it just me? Because I'm thinking it isn't. I was told the other day that at 40 some switch gets flipped and you just have to have it. Maybe that will be true and hubby will live happily ever after.

I'm hoping so, but I'm not holding my breath.

ME101 - Who is Blue Momma?


I have a lot to blog about, but I just seem to not be getting to it. There is the sex post. The mom's night out post. The we actually had friends over post. The OMG, I'm totally obsessed with playing Rock Band post.

Since I seem to keep finding things to do other than blog, I figure if I find something I'm supposed to do concerning my blog that these other posts will miraculously transfer from my brain to my blog.

So I'm jumping on the ask-me-a-question bandwagon. Is there something you'd like to know about me? Something you want to ask? I promise to answer you with a total bullshit answer all of the honesty I possess. Be kind. And someone actually ask me something, ok?

My delicate psyche won't be able to handle a total lack of interest in myself. Leave your questions in the comments. And be gentle with me.