Life in the Fish Bowl

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In Need of Internet Methadone


I've been without internet access for the last week. It was pure hell. I felt like some junkie unable to score her next fix. Seriously. I am so not exaggerating. Well, maybe a little, but not very much. How did we ever survive before the internet and high speed connections? Life sure was different.

The whole thing started because I talk too much. Oh, and that I want to share my brilliance with the US, Canada and Mexico. At a reasonable price, of course. So I decided to drop AT&T and move to Vonage. Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong. No. Hell fucking no. I go to Walmart to buy my Vonage box thingie. You know I was all over the $50 gift card I'd get for instore activation. The WalMart employees? No fucking clue what I was talking about. Anyway, after about thirty minutes of convincing them of what they needed to do I was activated and my gift card was on its way.

Easy peasy, right? NO. I get an email from Vonage saying that I need to do something about my DSL line. I confer with My2Sons and find out I need a stand alone DSL line. I call AT&T, chick says she can hook me up immediately so that I don't end up without a phone.

About five days later when Vonage finally gets around to starting my service I have about half a day of super cheap phone service AND DSL. Then? Right in the middle of chatting with Catwoman I lose my signal. No phone. No internet. Turns out Chick doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground! .

I call AT&T (furthermore to be referred to as TF (those fuckers)) and TF tell me that not only is my service not active, but it is not supposed to be active until Monday, which is 4 1/2 days away. After I go bat shit on Habib he transfers me to Alabama tech service. Of course he gives me the phone number - just in case - which sounds something like - two oh grrskjeu038hjkfjdsj092qwhnbsl,mhj - after which I immediately get cut off.

I then get Habib the Second who is again going to hook me up. He's the customer service manager or some thing and will get me online tomorrow. Of course we already know TF don't know shit so this doesn't happen. On Monday I am informed that no, the service won't be active that day. Just because they sent me a letter saying Monday and just because TF said Monday, it doesn 't mean Monday. It means up to 72 hours after Monday.

Holy shit. How much more is a deranged internet crack whore addict girl supposed to take? Finally on Thursday I get service. Finally. Hell, I sound like my hubby! ha! Well, that service lasts until Friday morning when again I lose it all. At this point I am too frustrated to even get mad. Obviously my ability to cuss was not effected.

I talk to Habib the Third. After a while he decides it is my modem and I try a new one (which TF sent me even though I told them I didn't need it) and wha la, it works. Then while talking to billing about how I at least expect dinner and a few drinks before I get screwed after this whole ordeal I don't expect to have to pay for the modem, the fucking thing stops working. AGAIN.

Luckily the girl at billing offers to connect me to someone who isn't speaking english as their thirty third language and this girl immediately says she'll send a guy out, but I may have to pay $85. I tell her I'll show him my boobs if he'll just fix this shit once and for all. She laughed. Obviously she thought I was kidding.

And I was. Screw the boobs. I'd probably give a blow job for it.

Anyway, miracle of miracles, they have an opening for this morning between 8 and 12 and the guy actually shows up at about 9am. He has my problem solved withing about 5 minutes (my surge protector is not DSL compatible) and after getting his blow job hearing my sob story says he isn't going to charge me.

While testing my connection he pulled up Google and I suggested he type in AT&T sucks. He starts laughing because it pulled up like 24K+ hits! Guess I'm not the only one with issues. So guy leaves, I feed my addiction and the story ends and now I'm back and boring the shit out of you again.

I really think I need to find something to obsess on other than this damn internet. Hubby suggest his bod, but damn, after 2 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant that just isn't my thing.

But hey, I can now call whomever I want, whenever I want, without worrying about the cost! So if I have your number you might want to block me or I might just call and talk your ear off. I'm glad to be back though, I missed you, love you, and sure as hell won't be able to catch up on your wonderful blogs. But I'm thinking about it and it's the thought that counts. Right?

22 comments:

janet said...

gotta love at&t ... they have equally good cell service, btw.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Oh my god!! I was in the same boat as you, but as you can see I am live and online too. I am just glad to see you back at it again! And? Your line Luckily the girl at billing offers to connect me to someone who isn't speaking english as their thirty third language is the best linguistic insult I have read in AGES. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

Natalie said...

You know that whole flood thing that happened last week? What do you think I was REALLY worried about?

Oh yes, I was severely worried about my damp phone lines that were preventing my dsl from working.

(once they dried out a bit, phone lines worked fine).

So yeah, I totally get it.

Feener said...

i hate to say this but we had vonage and they SUCKED ....

That Chick Over There said...

ROFL!! I only offered the Dell guy oatmeal raisin cookies!

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Just thinking of being without the internet makes me panicky. That's so not healthy, right?

devilish southern belle said...

Damn, I'd be going nutters, too! And ooooh, NOTHING makes me madder than outsourcing customer service such as this!!!! I am already so hard of hearing I can barely understand anyone without a southern accent. But a thickly foreign accent? Fuggedabowdit! But my parents, with good hearing, can't understand them either, so I know it's not just me and my hearing defect. And think about it...it can't be any easier for them to understand us. Outsourcing makes no sense to me.

devilish southern belle said...

Oh, and glad to see you back online and posting!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

If only a blow job were enough to stop the suckage that is Verizon. If only . . .

Welcome back!

beautyishere said...

You crack me up...Habib....bwahahaha. That's sad but hilarious. Sorry you had to jump through hoops to get your internet back up but we are all so glad you are back! :)

elena jane said...

rofl...glad you are finally back...i love your wit...missed ya!!

btw, we fed our dell guy pizza....

Poodlehead said...

I could've gotten my husband to fix your problem on day #1 if I had known you were giving out blowjobs. Damn! That would be one less he has to imagine me giving him.

Bren said...

And you're back in Blue Momma fashion - with one hell of a funny post!!

Welcome back! You had me with the Habibs, my friend. You damn near owe me a new screen from the Coke I spewed all over it.

justmylife said...

I am sooooo glad your back! (Or I will be when I get over being mad about my wet keyboard and moniter! How long before sweet tea dries up?)

I talked to Habib for 78 minutes! He couldn't change my password from his computer before then. I had to go through 3 yards of shit before he said, he would just do it from his computer! At&t hates Vista. I hated Habib, we were even. I don't think he could understand me either, so I guess we really were even.

Glad your back to entertain me.

Catwoman said...

I don't know if you read this in your comments to AFF's guest post, but I thought you went to take a dump when you disappeared.

Little that I know that your life was in Jeopardy thanks to the incompetence of AT&T.

Jenni said...

Welcome back! We're in such a small town, I'm just glad to even have high-speed capability!

Seis said...

I like that your comments say "feed my addiction." Maybe we should start weaning you off the comments first. Cold Turkey didn't seem to work.
P.S.Glad you didn't have to resort to desperate measures.

SwampAngel65 said...

Damn! You went through alot of crap!!! I am really happy for you that it's all resolved...and hopefully doesn't get fucked up again anytime soon.

You failed to tell us how your family put up with you through this extremely hard and emotional time....

Emma in Canada said...

Glad you are back! Sorry the phone call times have not worked out, but what happened tonight? Will try you in the morning tomorrow if my babysitting job isn't killing me!

buddha_girl said...

One of your best posts. For real.

I LOATHE being at the mercy of some guy in Malaysia. India. Pakistan.

Jennifer said...

Habib is an evil menace WHO MUST BE STOPPED!!!!! He is probably preventing you from getting pregnant as well!

Rachel said...

Welcome back!!! Habib calls my office at least once a week to try to sell us At&t. Stupid asses, we already have that shit!