Life in the Fish Bowl

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Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock


Hear that? That clock ticking so loudly? That's me and my old (yes, it's old) biological clock. Hubby and I have been working on a sibling for Punkin for over two years now. Obviously we haven't been very successful. I have had two miscarriages and other than that nothing.

This was the month. If I was pregnant this month I would deliver a baby just a day or two shy of my 40th birthday. Yes, I AM that old. I've had a bit of a roller coaster ride the past few days. My dear friend Aunt Flo hasn't chosen to visit me. She should have been here Saturday and she is always on time.

Yes, I took a test. In fact, I have taken five so far. Thank god for the $1 ones at the Dollar Tree. All negative. A couple seemed to have a very faint second line, but it was faint enough that it could have just been my imagination. The one I took this morning either didn't have a faint line or I am just being more realistic today.

I talked to my doc's nurse this afternoon and she says I'll need to come in by day 35 if I haven't started yet. Seems I could have a cyst on my ovary that could be keeping me from even ovulating. She also confirmed that if I was pregnant the test should probably already be showing as positive.

All I can say is holy shit, if it wasn't for my happy pills I'd be pretty out of it right now. This infertility business is a real bitch. It would suck at any age, but at mine? It sucks worse. I really, no, I really, really, really want another child, but I don't see myself doing so up into my 40's.

So when do I stop trying? Hoping? Yearning? Because I don't feel like stopping, but I don't feel like keeping on. It is such a roller coaster ride and I, for one, despise roller coasters. I know I'm not the only one who is going through this or has gone through it in the past, but damn, I sure feel like it at times.

And my Punkin is just baby crazy right now. I would so love to give him a baby brother or sister. I don't want him to grow up by himself. But sadly, it is looking like that is exactly what may happen.

I have four more of those cheap tests. Maybe I'll go take one now. Because as hard as it is to keep hoping - I still am.

.........tick........tock...........tick.........tock............

34 comments:

buddha_girl said...

All I can say is that we love you here in the Buddha House.

I'm praying for a big, fat second line.

fantasticvoyage said...

i often thought I was imagining a 2nd line too because i stared so much at those damn things. hope you get that 2nd line *(and baby) very soon bluemama!

random_mommy said...

Thinking about you, and hoping for a 2nd line.

Feener said...

i am so sorry you are dealing with this. I understand what you mean about the age. I will be 40 this year and I understand that the age makes you feel like we are too old. i have no words of wisdom, I really hope it works out for you. sending you good vibes.

Bren said...

You know what? Lots of women in their 40's deliver healthy babies. Sure, you'll won't have the energy you did at 30, but if you want it that badly, does it really matter if you're 39 or 40 something? If age is the only concern there, I say keep trying!

I'll keep my fingers crossed. *hugs*

Poodlehead said...

Maybe you need to stop buying those cheap tests and splurge on one from Walmart! I hate that it wasn't a big bold second line. But you can shoot tequila with me now right?

Devilish Southern Belle said...

*hugs*

If I wanted a baby that badly, I wouldn't stop trying just because of age. Age is only a number, you know! Hell, my aunt had a kid at 43. I don't know if she had to really work at it or not, but at least your doctor seems to have a game plan for you in ruling out ovarian cysts.

Good luck! I hope you are fruitful once again soon!

Jen M. said...

Every time I have had a test with the fainst line (and yes, negative tests after) I have been pregnant.

So my hopes are UP for you. Good luck, and if there are ovarian issues, here's to a speedy recovery and THEN the second line!

Kimberly said...

I've had the faint second line before...then period the next day. So, so rough.

I have a friend who has struggled with infertility and she taught me the neatest thing. Get yourself a cheapy microscope. Put some of your saliva on a slide, let it dry, look at it under the microscope. When you're not ovulating, you see circles, when you are, you see fern like patterns. It's really nifty. It was through doing that that she found out she wasn't ovulating at all. =( It's a lot cheaper than those ovulating testy things though.

Hoping right along with you!

Alison said...

I feel for you, I have been in your shoes. If I had all the money I spent on pregnancy tests I could probably balance the National Budget!! You are not alone and you never give up dreaming and hoping..I didn't!

janet said...

i'm wishing you 2 lines, hon.

and just so's you know, i was 42 when roo-girl was born....

i also gave you something. come get it. ;-)

lisa's chaos said...

I'm hoping with you. Fingers crossed. I'm sitting here at 40, with just a couple hours with my grandson wearing me out and I cannot imagine having a baby full-time. I'll be sending good vibes to you. :) *hugs*

~JJ! said...

Oh mamma...I'm sorry.

I'll be rootin' for ya.
I say try until it happens...Unless of course your 85. But you're not.

So have fun!

That Chick Over There said...

I wish I knew what to say. All I can say, I guess is, I feel your pain. I know your pain so well. I wish I could fix it.

Kellie said...

If Baby #2 is something you want that badly, keep trying. I wish I could fix it for you :(

Mommapeas said...

You know I'm thinking of you guys right now! Hang in there and don't give up just yet!

Mango Marie said...

I would go get a different type of pregnancy test. Whatever you do, don't give up!

Junebug said...

Rootin' for you too. :D

Beccy said...

I'm hoping you get that second line.

Emma in Canada said...

I hope you get the second line. I also don't think you should let your age matter. 40s the new 30 and all that jazz.

Catwoman said...

I can understand you feeling so defeated after all this time, because how often can you face the pain month after month.

I wish I had answers for you. You have my phone number, so anytime you just want to go off on someone and have a good cry (despite the happy pills) and just need someone to listen, I'm here, ok?

Rachel said...

Hugs to you sweetie! I so wish I could help you. You deserve to have another baby and I will be praying for that 2nd pink line.

Krista said...

I'm sorry it's so hard. I agree, if you want it then don't worry about your age. You will be fine!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

You know I love you. And, I'm not giving up, so you certainly shouldn't either.

Penelope Anne said...

IT is a very hard path to travel and not knowing how to stop, when to stop, or if you can stop is difficult. That choice was taken from me with a hysterectomy in 2004....but you know medicine is wonderful now. So give yourself time, and remember stress doesn't help.
I'll say a few gratitudes for you just to help.

Hugs and peace,

Yankee Belle said...

DO NOT GIVE UP! Once you do that, you are done. Have you been drinking the water???? And aren't women now claiming 40s are the new 30s?! Much love to ya - and sending pregnancy vibes your way.

Lil Mouse said...

i'm howling for you in your own private hell, because i'm sure you are... give yourself a treat..

I'm a Mom!..? said...

Hoping for that second line too -- go spring for the better test, maybe it will confirm. Hang in there!

justmylife said...

Hoping for that second line! Don't give up, what was that women in India like 80 when she had a kid for her daughter, who would be.... what 60? I'll keep you in my prayers. Good Luck!!

My2Suns said...

Never give up. Next month go out and get drunk before you have sex. It works for so many maybe you sould give it a try. HAHA!(JK,but seriously what could it hurt) You know I luv you!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I am lighting candles for that blue line, hon. You are right, the fertility train is a nasty ride. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy--male or female. There is no pain like it in the world. Just know that I am sending preggo vibes your way.

As for how long to keep going--only as long as you want to. And who is to say you can't take a six month break and try again? Fertility sex is awful.

Cheri said...

By they way...when I was only one day late (and actually pregnant) I only had a very, very, very faint
2nd line. I thought I was imagining it and truly thought it was negative...so just hoping and praying that Aunt Flo has not made an appearance, and just that it is soo early that it's not showing positive yet. My doc said it was so very light b/c the hormone doubles each day...anyway...again..praying for a baby to come your way! Soon!

monkeysandmarbles said...

oh, sweetheart. i wish i could run down there and give you a big hug, but i don't think my legs would make the trip.

if you need to stop trying for your own sanity, then stop. but just because you are getting closer to 40 doesn't mean you have to stop if you still really want to keep going. i have two friends that got pregnant in their 40's...one at 42 and one at 44. both their babies were fine, and they are so happy they did it.

not to put added pressure on you. i just don't want you to give up if you don't really want to.

*hugs*

Valerie said...

I hear ya'. I just turned 40 in September and would have a baby tomorrow if I could (meaning if Hubby was on-board!). I have a 13 year old and an 8 year old (notice the 5-year age difference??). "Secondary" infertility is no picnic. If I had a nickel everytime someone said, "but you already have one child, be happy for what you have, think about the couples who don't have ANY children." The need, the longing, the wanting doesn't stop at the first child. It's almost harder because you know your body CAN do it. I had severe edemetrosis, a tilted uterus and a blocked fallopian tube. We did one and only one round of fertility drugs and that seemed to kick start everything. Don't give up, just relax. P.S. I work 2 days/week at a Mother's Morning Out program to get my baby fix. It's awesome!!! The hug me, love me, kiss me, let me rock them to sleep and then they go home!