Life in the Fish Bowl

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Control - Or How Blue Momma Got Her Groove Back


Warning: This is gonna be one of those long, non humorous, introspective posts. If you came here looking for giggles, you'd best come back another day!

I've been through a lot of changes in the past few years. Going from not wanting a baby, to wanting one, to struggling to get pregnant, to having my Punkin. Then moving back to Hellabama, two new jobs, new responsibilities, becoming a stay at home mom, losing half of our income. Add to that secondary infertility, miscarriages, and just daily life and, wow, I'm exhausted thinking about it.

I'm feeling better these days, though it was rough for a while. My marriage was more than a bit shaky and so was my attitude. Thanks to my beloved happy pills, some good friends and a lot of soul searching, I am back to my old self. I've found myself talking a lot about finding balance in my life, balancing wife, mother, housekeeper, friend, blogger, daughter, myself - balancing life.

I'm not good at balance - ask Poodlehead or My2Sons, they've seen me at the gym trying to stand on one foot. But these days I'm feeling that the balancing act is getting a bit easier and less work to accomplish. That balance I was searching for, both mentally and physically, is seeming more and more like something I can attain.

Yet yesterday as I was putting on my makeup ( yes, I have worn makeup two times in two days, which of late is quite unusual!), I started thinking about control. Controlling yourself - myself - mentally, physically, and emotionally. Because as much as I have been thinking balance was what I was lacking and in such dire need of, and I still think it is very important, I'm wondering if the thing for me really wasn't control all along.

Let's get this out of the way first. I am a damn control freak. I like to do things my way. Not that my way is always the right way, but, well ok, it usually is. Don't go hating me for it though. I'm kidding of course. Kinda. Even when someone else is making the decisions I have to feel like it is because I am letting them, therefore retaining my control.

When I'm not in control, either passively or actively, I get - you guessed it - out of balance. These past couple of years since moving back south I have felt out of control. I had jobs where I couldn't seem to get a firm grasp of things. I had a hubby who I all of a sudden couldn't figure out. I had a little boy who was getting to "that age". I had no local friends, my ass was the size of a mobile home, my hair was frizzy again (damn southern humidity).

I was out of control in every way I can think of, but just didn't realize it. Which is odd for someone who thinks she knows everything, but whatever. The exception that proves the rule, right?

About three months ago I did a post about taking a day off. I sat and cried all of that day. I took my son to my mother's house, crying all the way. I told her I was sick to explain away the puffy face. On the way home my doc called to tell me my blood work was back and not only was I not pregnant, I hadn't even ovulated. You can imagine that the waterworks went into overdrive after that call.

Shortly after hanging up I called my doc back and left a message on her voice mail asking for something, anything, to make me feel better. To make a long story short, they called in the meds, I started taking them and wha la! Life seemed better again. The world lifted off of my shoulders.

I regained some control.

Everything isn't perfect. We still need a second income, but don't have it. Hubby is still 12 years old. Punkin is still going through his toddler years and testing me at every turn. I'm still in Hellabama sweating away (and currently without power, thanks to you, battery backup!) and my ass is still wide as a trailer. But I can handle it.

In control of my emotions once again, I decided to get in control of my body. I've been working out on a daily basis for three weeks now and I feel great. I have more energy, I'm losing weight without starving myself (yes, I ate Mexican for lunch today. Thanks Jen! Everyone who is rolling their eyes at me? Bite me.). I'm in control of my body again and it feels great.

My house? Still out of control. But I'm working on it. I'm not gonna let it control me any longer. No more not asking people over because I'm embarrassed at the chaos that I live in. I'm nearly 40 years old and I'm taking control of my domain. And it feels good.

During this not so great time I joined a local moms group. Which, coincidentally, just happened to be the coolest moms group ever. Apologies to you who live elsewhere, but ours is the best. Move here. Join us. Anyway, through this last year I met a lot of people and have made some great friends who are willing to listen when I need to bitch and complain and who also let me know I'm not in this alone. I've taken control of my social life - hell, I went out and found one! - and again, it feels great.

Lastly, but not leastly (ok, I know that's not a word, but I though it just sounded right. I never said I was in control of my grammar or spelling), I found this wonderful world of blogs. Writing my blog and reading your blogs really pulled me through some tough emotional times. When I was feeling like I didn't have a friend in the world and that I just couldn't take it anymore, all I had to do was check my email and there you were. Thanks guys. Schmmmmack!

I know I've not been around as much lately, as all of this taking control has taken much of my former blogging time, but I'm still reading, even if I've become a shitty commenter. (Was that a long, poorly formed sentence or what?). But I must say, it is nice to have a real life again.

So balance? Control? Balance and control? Control and balance? I don't know. Can you have one without the other? I am just finally feeling like maybe I have a little bit of both and wanted to share. Because, damn, it feels great. So go out and take control of your life, if you haven't already. Drugs? They sure help you get started, but you are the one who has to step up and start taking control of your life.

Try it. You'll like it. I did.

32 comments:

Crys said...

I'm looking for the same thing in my life right now. Balance... and regaining control. Thanks for the inspiration!

Jenni said...

I haven't been reading you long enough to really know you yet, but the fact that you get it, the controlling and the balance, that shows me that you are one awesome momma!

janet said...

you go, girl. you sound like you are pulling yourself together in a very positive and self-affirming way.

now, can you fix me?

Lil Mouse said...

i hate it when you move or something and your whole world is off balance. i did much better this time, but i didnt have to go jumping right out and MUST find a job if you know what i mean. i did a couple of interviews for a job i wanted but found out i wasnt qualified so i got a temp job and then after that took the winter off. not having to deal with that on a constant basis has kept me grounded. i can be calm most of the day because i do what i need to do and what i want to do, then i at some point have to fix dinner, i manage to keep up the household -- but i dont have kids, so therein lies the rub, i'd have to adjust again if i had a kid,
i think we all have to adjust to the new things that happen to us, and you just had too many at once!

Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck said...

Good for you! It sounds like you are a woman to be reckoned with!!! I'm glad you're feeling better than you were and I hope it just gets better from here!

Mommapeas said...

I'm so happy for you and your quest for balance. You are a very strong lady with incredible grace, and a wonderful attitude to boot. Thanks for being you!

Feener said...

I love this post. Love it. I can relate to so many parts of it.

If it is ok, can I ask you what type of happy pills you are on ??

I didn't think I needed pills, but ...well ...i guess maybe....

nikki said...

Good for you! It's not easy getting control of your life. I'm trying to learn to except myself, be comfortable in my own skin. I may never be skinny again or rock it like I did years ago, but I am still pretty awesome. Doesn't work everyday, but I am trying.

justmylife said...

I am so glad you are feeling better! I have been reading you since I started blogging and I have always understood exactly how you felt, with the exception of infertility. But I felt your pain when you failed to get pregnant. I hope that I can learn from you and find a balance in my life. I always felt like it would be to hard to do, but I know that it can be done now, you have proved it. Thanks, and I hope to see you around more often, I miss my daily dose of Blue Momma!

Jennifer said...

I always take control of any situation by eating as much Mexican food as I can. Besides, it's mostly made out of corn which your body doesn't digest, so really, eating Mexican is like getting a fat flush. Right?? isn't it??? Work with me here!

Kimberly said...

Brilliant post, babe. So much in there really hits home for me.

~JJ! said...

Shit woman. You sound just like me.

The Mama Bear said...

Mama Bear needs her groove back but is hoping the visit to the doc will help next week and if not the visit to the psych doc in March will.
I prefer balance over control, though yes they go hand in hand.
One day at a time darling one day at a time!

random_mommy said...

Great post! One of my faves... I think we all understand a little bit of this struggle!

Tom Cruise called. He said your happy pills are evil.

I hung up on him.

rookiemom said...

It's so nice to realize that you are on the upwards curve, isn't it? Good luck continuing to pull things together.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

I love you just the way you are. Even the blue dot...well, sorta. Smooches chica.

Rachel said...

Great post, Momma! Thanks for sharing this with us.

I know how you feel, and I wish that I was where you are at right now, but I am working on it. It will happen. If it's not too nosey to ask, what kind of happy pill are you taking. I am starting to think I need to change mine.

buddha_girl said...

I am just so damn proud of you and love that you've come to realize your strengths and to appreciate the fact that a weakness isn't all that bad. I love you, sister!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Glad to see that you have come to such a great place with all of this. It takes a lot of strength to maintain a balance, and it sounds like you are doing a great job getting back into that mode. Good on you, hon.

Bren said...

Fantastic post! And you have no idea how much I needed that advice.

mjd said...

Great post Blue Momma, maybe the secret is if we are in control of our own lives, we feel less of a need to try to control the outside world around us. When we are in control of our lives, we are closer to being in balance. I suppose that means being in balance emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This may be difficult to achieve and may be difficult to maintain, but It sounds like you are very much in balance and in control. Take care.

Jen said...

Wow - I think you just summed up exactly what i have been trying to grasp about myself for a while now. The words are right there on the screen that I need.

Congratulations on this life changing insight, and thank you for sharing.

pootandcubby said...

Excellent post. I've been struggling with this myself lately - mostly I'm having to learn that even though I love to control everything there are some things I just have to let go of. I'm learning - slowly, but still, learning.

-andi

Alison said...

I am so glad you are feeling better Blue Momma. You finding what works for you and that is a wonderful thing. Instead of staying stuck in the problem, you are finding the solution!! You go girl!!

SwampAngel65 said...

You are so not alone...I can relate to many of your "problems". (my ass is the size of a double-wide, so that should make you feel better!) I have been reading alot lately of women taking control of their lives and making changes. I think I need to do that. I have been just kind of going along since I had my squirt, who'll be 4 in May. I need to step up, make decisions and get my life going in a positive direction. Finances, weight, "me time" vs. "mommy-time", make time to do all the things I've been wanting to do - big and small. And enjoy my kids more!

You're inspiring. Eventhough I know there are folks out there with my same problems, it is so good to read about it now and then. I wish we could all meet at Starbucks and shoot the s@#t over a nice frapaccino!

slackermommy said...

I'm proud of you! Seems like you are getting things to come together. Lord knows I've been there a time or two and I'm sure I'll be there again a few more times. That's great about your moms group. Having good female friends is so important.

Catwoman said...

I'm really, really happy for you. It must feel so good to be in a happier place and be able to blog about it. But you know you can call me, good times, or bad, right?

Kila said...

I can totally relate. Being a mom=being out of control, and it's driven me bonkers, too. You'd be surprised how many moms are on "Happy Pills". (I'm not, but probably should be.) I'm thrilled for you and this progress you've made :) And how wonderful that you found great mom friends.

sogratefultobemormon.wordpress.com said...

hi mama,
you're awesome. come out and play whenever you want. see you at our scrabble table :)
take care girl,
kathleen

elena jane said...

you rock!! happy pills rock! being in control in an out of control life even rocks!!
and mom's groups, totally rock! love mine :-)
love the blogs, love e-mom's group too (momsville, best thing in the world to cheer me up).

welcome home :)

Serina Hope said...

I am so happy for you Blue Momma. We love you here and wil always be here for you, but man, real life is awesome. I am glad that yours is going so well and keeping you busy.

Junebug said...

I just read this today. I am glad you're getting your groove back, Stella.