Life in the Fish Bowl

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One Thing Leads To Another Leads To Another


The other day I was going to cook dinner. Yes, this is newsworthy because we've been living off of $5 Hot'n'Ready pizza lately. Anyway, I was going to cook chicken tetrazzini. I was cooking the chicken and figured I'd toast the almonds while it cooked. Ends up they didn't need to be toasted, but whatever. So I'm looking for the almonds.

Can't find them anywhere. Surely hubby didn't eat them. Or he will die. Because he did eat the cheese for said dish. He's always doing that kind of thing. (see how one thing really does lead to another?)

While my head is buried in my pantry looking for the almonds I smell a not so pleasant smell. Being the kick ass housekeeper that I am I ignore it and keep looking for those freakin' almonds. Not here, not there, seemingly not anywhere.

I look in the least likely place they might be because, hey, isn't that where what you are looking for always is? What do you think I find? Almonds? HELL, NO.

Have you ever purchased on of those big five pound bags of potatoes? And then not cooked them because the ones in a box are oh so much easier better? Do you know what happens to potatoes when they sit in the bag and you don't use them for weeks months years a long time?

They turn to mush. Brown, runny, stinky, liquidy mush. And run out all in your cabinet. And all over everything in said cabinet. Yea Blue Momma housekeeping!

Sadly I cleaned it up before thinking that I really should share my sorriness with the internet so there are no photos. People are always saying sure your house is messy, sure you are a shitty housekeeper. Like I'm a liar. I am so not a liar.

Have you ever let you pantry get so disorganized that you have no idea what you have in it? Well, this I do have photos of. First I cleaned out the cabinet with the liquid potatoes. After restocking it I find I have five bags of powdered sugar and two unopened cans of Crisco. Cake decorating supplies run amuck.I have about six different kinds of plastic cups and three different kinds of paper plates. And this is just this cabinet.Moving on to the next cabinet, I find tons of expired stuff. Two bags of Marie Callender's croutons. Those are just the best croutons ever. But check out those expiration datesStuffing. Equally expired. Except for that unopened bag. That one is new.No before shot here either, but here is an after.Check out all of this Kool-Aid. Bought because it is invisible and won't stain my white carpet. That would be my new white carpet. In Michigan. Yes, I transported all of this Kool-Aid from Michigan.

I think these onions also came from Michigan. Do these things expire? Why the hell did I buy them to begin with?

Corn meal. Oh, hell yes. So much expired cornmeal. This one was never even opened.Three boxes of crackers. Damn. And no one here named Polly.Here is an actual before of the next shelf up. My pasta collection. That would be about eight pounds of spaghetti plus miscellaneous other shapes. You'd think we ate this stuff three meals a day.
And look. Taco Bell taco seasoning. If I had been organized enough to know that I had this I wouldn't have fed Punkin the chipotle kind and scarred him for life. (No!! I don't like tacos!! They are hot!)

Here is the after.Notice that canister? More. Powdered. Sugar. I could make enough icing to ice all of Birmingham.

Does this stuff expire?Because it has no expiration date and damn, is it good. I forgot I had it. I think I'm gonna take my chances with it and put it back in the cabinet.

Our condiment stash. What do you think the chances are of us ever using that much tartar sauce? TRASH. See those two gallon zip lock bags? Full of candy which I took to the MDO.So now 1/4 of my pantry is clean. It no longer smells. I'm so glad no one opened that door at the dirty Santa party.

Hubby really showed his ass (though I'll spare you that photo!) when I told him to take out all of the garbage from the pantry.
He is looking back at me and saying I won't post the pics of his ass on the internet. He was only partially right. But hey, everyone has to be right once in a while.
Oh, and in case anyone wondered, I did find the almonds and the chicken tetrazzini was yummy!

24 comments:

Kimberly said...

That was priceless! I need to clean out my pantry as well. I have corn starch from 2001, corn meal from 2004, and...hey...what's with the corn theme? Weirdness.

The runny potatoes thing? Happened to me too. Like...two months ago. I sprayed some cleaner on it and forgot about it until reading this post. Damn.

Mango Marie said...

Funny, FUNNY! I need to go home and check my pantry...I'm sure I'll be surprised with the duplicated and expired food. Thanks for the laugh today!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

OMG! Great post! Isn't it amazing the crap we end up hoarding in our cabinets? Love your before and after pics.

When I was in ATL last month, I checked out my dad's cheese drawer. He had bricks of mouldy cheddar from the year 2000. I shit you not. Sadly, I did not get a picture before I chucked it.

Feener said...

ok, i feel MUCH better now, all my closets are a MESS. good going.

Bren said...

Now THAT was the laugh I've needed all day!!!

We have a basket with that many condiments thanks to my husband who throws nothing away.

Jennifer said...

Once again, you reveal the frightening similarities in our lives! My potatoes have been featured in Popular Science before. And I wrote one memorable post on the Pancake Mix of Death!!! Just the other day, I threw out some yogurt that expired in SEptember!!

monkeysandmarbles said...

i never thought i would ever meet someone with the same housekeeping...uh....skillz as me! ya baby, i've had the liquid-brown potatoes! oh ya! actually, hubby and i just threw out 10 pounds of crackers...they were all expired, some open, some not, all nasty and stale....nice, eh?

maybe one day i will be brave like you and post some pics!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Oh, this is why I love you so much. We are so alike. I would totally find expired crap from four years ago. Last week, that day I cleaned, I found stuff from Stop N Shop. We lived in NE in 1999. Yah. Hub's ass? Damn you are funny.

janet said...

oh yeah, i think we were separated at birth. i have totally done the potato thing.

and the onion thing.

and the apple thing.

and the lettuce thing.

and the ... um ... never mind. i'm going to clean out the fridge now.

Lil Mouse said...

get a basket like an open weave plastic thingy and dump the potatoes in it, throwing the bag away. put it on your counter somewhere in view of where you cook every day, be that the microwave, whatever. they need to be in a cool dry place. but if they're turning to mush inside a cabinet, its not cool and dry enough... he he. yuck!

Mommapeas said...

Damn! You've inspired me to clean out my darn pantry! ugh.

Rachel said...

Holy hell, girl! That was something. I though I was bad, but you have proven me wrong.

And, I am still totally in love with your stove.

justmylife said...

My cabinets look like that. I cleaned my MIL's cabinets and found canned food that expired 5 years before, home canned jars that were rusted to the floor and a mouse that was almost powder, so don't feel too bad!!

buddha_girl said...

Fucking potatoes! I have had that happen to me more than once. Do you see a trend? I don't learn. *shrugging*

I think there was something growing in my garbage disposal because there was a stench that would have killed an army of Trojans when I walked into my kitchen the other day. The first place I looked? You got it. Potatoes. Too bad it wasn't that simple. Those spuds were just fine, thank you. I finally bleached the damn garbage disposal...after checking every drawer and cabinet Buddha could reach. I was so damn certain that he'd left some food somewhere. No such luck.

dawn224 said...

I am insane when it comes to making sure my pantry isn't gross - I think it's in reaction to the fact my hubs has had food at least 3 years expired in the pantry - and then has wanted to pack it when we move....

Junebug said...

Oh, yes, we are all alike. The rotten potatoes has to be one of the ungodliest smells in the universe. And the leaky brown goo that drips everywhere!!! Aaarrhhgg...Pretty funny pic of your hubby's almost hiney shot.....

Jo Beaufoix said...

Ohh your potatoes bring back memories of carrots. Never let carrots go off. They also go mushy, and they smell of vomit. It is sooooo bad.

lisa's chaos said...

you are so right, one thing leading to another. . . we just threw away two bottles of flavored creamers that we have moved with us twice and have loooong expired. :)

i'll have nightmares tonight thatnx to your husband. :)

Cheri said...

That is hysterical! I've only been in this house for 5 1/2 months, and my pantry already is about the same!

Believer in Balance said...

That picture of your hubby is too funny!

I'm a Mom!..? said...

I need to do this soooooo bad! But then I know I have to go to the store to replace everything I throw out...

Hydes Like Us said...

Wow! That was quite a snowball effect. I am really impressed you could get that all done in the time it took to cook the tetra. :)

I'd never let it get to that point...

**slinks away to dispose of rotted onions in her crisper drawer***

;)

Hydes

Rachel said...

LOL! That was fabulous!!!
We love $5 hot and ready!! That's what we ate last night :-)
Glad your chicken tet was good!
Love the pictures and damn some of those expiration dates!!
Thanks for the grins.

Magpie said...

Wow. Just wow. Well done - and a good way to start the new year!