Life in the Fish Bowl

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I'm Taking Today Off


I'm talking today off.

I'm sick. I'm pissed off. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm the tiniest big negative. You couldn't tell?

I had to cancel a play group yesterday and a visit from my friend today because of this cold.

Then I talk to my husband and mother on the phone this morning and they both piss me off. Of course, that is the norm so it really shouldn't bother me. But it does.

I think I'm going to pull Punkin out of his MDO. I just don't like how things are going. I'm just not getting the warm fuzzies from them and that's something I want from somewhere I leave my child three days a week. And world? Don't mess with my kid. Seriously.

I am so tired of this seemingly never ending process of hope and then disappointment which has been my quest to get pregnant. I just can't do it much longer. I'm too old to begin with and I'm just too tired of it. It's not fair, it sucks, it is just bad. It is so depressing, the trying, the hoping the disappointment, the miscarriages. I just can't take much more.

I'm tired of worrying about money. Money to pay the bills, money for extras, money for infertility treatments. It sucks that we can't take more aggressive measures to get pregnant because we can't afford it and because the religious affiliation of my husbands employer causes them to not pay for ANY reproductive assistance.

Sorry to be such a whiner today, but I really don't have anyone else to whine to and sometimes you just need to let it out. It sucks to always be the one who is expected to be strong and to not let things bother them. I've been that person for 39 years. When do I get someone to cry to and to tell me that it will be OK? Cause it's really not fair that the only person who fills that need for me is my three year old.

I'm gonna go crawl back in bed and cry for a while.

Y'all have a good day.

34 comments:

justmylife said...

Let me start with, I'm sorry your day is so crappy! I know the feeling of bill money, and such and it sucks!! I know how you feel about wanting to make sure your kids are happy no matter where they are. And last but not least, I am truly sorry about you not getting pregnant! Don't give up, God does provide, I know sometimes you may wonder, but in the end, he always provides us with what we need. Chin UP, you are Blue Momma and you rock!!! And gripe to us all you want, we always listen!!!

That Chick Over There said...

I'll cry with you. :**(

Lil Mouse (Jill) said...

Some times in our life, we all have pain, we all have sorrow. But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow. Lean on me, when you're not strong, I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long, when I'm gonna need, somebody to lean on. If there is a load, you have to bear that you can't carry, I'm right up the road, I'll share your load..if you just call me...

Jennifer said...

Here is my patented hangnail theory: Your pain is your own and it matters, even if it's not as huge as someone else's. Example: I am soooooo sorry your entire family was just wiped out in an earthquake, but I have this hangnail and it is KILLING ME!!!
So never apologize for whining; sometimes it's the only thing that keeps us going! Besides, if I listen to you whine, then you have to listen to me whine!! May your cold get better and may your womb ripen! Or something like that.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Ah shit man. That is really awful. I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place today. Though I do have to say it's a good thing I DIDN'T make the drive out to your playgroup. I don't think the kiddos would have taken too kindly to all those hours in the car just to have it cancelled. LOL Hang in there hon. You know we have your back, and if we need to go kick some bitchy mommy's asses to help you feel better, you know there are a bunch of us ready to do so. Take care of yourself today. Hugs.

Serina Hope said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling bad. I am having similar feeling bad/crappy mood/ bad school experiences today.
I hope that you feel better soon. I know that struggling with fertility is so hard. My friend, who got pregnant with twins through IVF, went through the same thing. It was not cheap and it was not easy.
Just know that you are loved. Let me know if there is anything that you need.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

You know I'm ALWAYS here to listen to this. And, I don't mind if you whine about the same thing for umteen thousands of times. Cause, I'll be right there with my whine about how it sucks I can live by my 'rents. And, shame on Hub & Mom for making you feel crappier. They know better. I think you should pull out of the MDO, too. I mean Noggin's preschool on tv, right? :)

cate said...

i'm sorry you're having such a bad day. i'm having a big-time pity party over at my place...come on over! we'll whine together, we'll laugh, we'll cry, and we can tell each other it's going to be okay...

*hugs*

Emma in Canada said...

Ack you, comeon over, we'll be miserable together. Because today? I am at the end of my rope.

Seriously, anytime you need to talk, I am here.

Kimberly said...

Umm. There's a religious affiliation that doesn't believe in making babies? That's whack.

Sorry for all the stresses. Wish I lived closer so I could help out in person. Bring you chocolate, that sort of thing. =(

Sassy Lucy said...

It's your life and honey I say whine if you want to...we all have days like this trust me...I am dealing with the stress of my mother criticizing our life, my in-laws, $$$ lack of, and just dealing with the day to day....so remember you are not alone. Now get some rest, feel better, and remember you are loved.

I'm a Mom!..? said...

It may not help to whine - but it sure feels good!!! Big Hugs!

Cathy said...

I'm so sorry.

You're not "whining." Post, rant and have that cry. You absolutely get a turn to let down your guard.

*hugs*

Heidi Hyde said...

Oh sweetheart. I hope things look up for you soon. Until they do, you just cry as much as you need to--we'll listen.

-HH

Catwoman said...

You take as long as you need, we'll be here when you need us. Email me, call me, whatever you need, ok? I'm here if you just want to cry and rant. We all need to pop that zit sometimes you know?

I'm sorry you're having such a bad day, we all have those and you just do whatever it takes to make you feel a little better, even if it's just hiding out under the covers for a couple of days.

Would it help if I mailed you chocolate? We have a stash here at work. I'll happily steal some and get them in the mail for you.

XOXO

Junebug said...

I'm sorry sweety, I have an award for you over at my place. :D Hope it makes you feel better.

willowtree said...

{{{HUGS}}}

AndreAnna said...

We're here to listen. Vent away.

I hope you feel better soon.

miserablebliss said...

It is my sincere belief that people should only get ONE issue or problem to think about at any given time. And you've got much more than ONE thing on your mind and that's against the rules. Yargh. You deserve a whole MONTH off from crap.

*hug*

Toni said...

Sending warm get well wishes and stork dreams...

Mommapeas said...

Hey Lady, don't you apologize one bit! You are an incredible lady with a heart of gold. I like you, and I don't like many people. Ok, so I like several people, but you're one of them for sure.

Wanna come over and cry with me. We can spill it to each other and not worry if we sound stupid. I'm game. Take-out Starbucks and let the kids wreck my house. What do you say?

Bren said...

Bug virtual hugs coming your way! Sounds like you need them!

You whine and cry and scream here whenever you need to. As others have said, feel free to email me to vent.

As for MDO, I say go with your gut. A mother's instinct is usually right. I have the same issue with my daughter's school but can't do a damn thing about it until I can pay for private school.

"MommaDrool" said...

I hope you get to feeling better soon...we have to chaperone our kids' date on Thursday at the zoo!

Feener said...

oh sweetie, i hope you feel better soon. i have no words about the pregnancy thing. i am sure punkin is soooo lucky to have you as a Mom. Hang in there, and sending happy thoughts.

Secret Agent Mama said...

I would love to seriously drive the three hours and HUG you! ((HUGS))

~JJ! said...

You NEED this...

Feel better.

Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck said...

It does suck. All that stuff sucks. You deserve a good cry, maybe it will help release some stress. I'm so so sorry about the pregnancy thing, I don't know what else to say. Know I am thinking of you and saying a little prayer. Give your Punkin a hug and feel better soon.

Rachel said...

Go ahead and whine. It's your blog and if someone doesn't like it they don't have to read.

I wish I could do something to make things better for you. Just know I'm thinkin about you and sending you hugs.

M said...

Dear BM (because that stands for bowel movement and should make you laugh because blue mama felt like too much to write and your real name is SUPER TOP SECRET though not really I wans't going to use it on here and BM made ME laugh so YOU should laugh)

*ahem* Let's try this again.

Dear BM,

I owe you one. Remember when you called me and I whined about the most RIDICULOUS things in the world?

You? you have valid whines. Please. Feel free to pull the "Michelle owes me an ear" card and call if you need to. Seriously.

I wish I had better info, advice, pep talks, or otherwise. All I got is you so deserve to be in a pissy sad angry negative blech mood once in a while (ESPECIALLY while sick) and I just hope you're better today.

And I've been that person my whole life too. It sucks. But really...I'm willing to be that person so you can NOT be that person for a while. It's only fair. Seriously. You need a day off. From just life.

Take one this weekend or sometime when the husband is home and have some you time. (Or drive to WA and have some US time!)

xoxo,

The too long a comment leaving freak M

Believer in Balance said...

I'm sorry. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today though.

Steph said...

Im so sorry I missed this!! My google reader is a day behind on updating.

(((HUGS)))

Im sorry you have a cold! I hope it goes away soon!

If you're not comfy with the MDO, pull him out. If you're leaving your kid with people, you need to feel right doing so!

Im sorry about the infertility issues. I cant understand what you are going through, but would hug you if I could anyway!

nell said...

I'm sorry you feel crappy, if it helps, I was sick yesterday and today it has been banished.

Robin (the PENSIEVE one) said...

I cannot believe this, but Willowtree said exactly what I was gonna say, the way I was going to say it (what I was thinking as I was reading your post). Guess it can't hurt to pass along some more, huh?

{{{{HUGS}}}}

elena jane said...

{{hugs}}