Life in the Fish Bowl


OCD in Alabama

If you have read my prior posts you may have picked up on the fact that I am the shit, shit, shittiest not much of a housekeeper. I have been trying to do better. I promise I have.

On July 4, I ordered Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook from 744 pages of more than everything I ever wanted to know about keeping house. I mean if Martha can't help me get my shit together, then who can?

So by ordering my salvation the book from Half, I saved about half (duh). $18.19 including shipping for a brand new book. Now saving is good. Verrry good. I even liked saving money back when I used to have money. But media mail? Arrival in 2 - 9, or up to 30 days?

Media. Mail. Sucks.

I miss expedited shipping. Buy it today, it's here tomorrow. Fine, maybe it's the day after tomorrow. But up to 30 days? OMG, I cannot handle 30 days. Or five days. We are at nine days now and I'm reaching the end of my tether.

I paid you unmerciful dicks and I want. my. book. NOW.

Then, to top it all off, they don't even send you a tracking number. How am I to stalk track the progress of that tortoise which is slowly making its way across the US with my life changing book without a fucking tracking number?

I am a little OCD about tracking numbers. First, I wait for the email that says my package will be shipped. Then for notification that it has shipped, but that it "might not be in the system yet". Of course I immediately go to the shippers website, only to find out that - now can you even believe this shit? - that my package isn't in the system yet. My package!

Then every hour or so I check it's progress, because hey, my little bundle may be in a sorting facility in Hell, MI, or riding a conveyor belt in French Lick, IN. Hell, for all I know it could be taking its sweet time in Intercourse or Gobbler's Knob, PA (what's up with the names PA?), or in Toad Suck, AR. Come to think of it it might be slutting it up in Ding Dong, TX (surely W's hometown, right?) I mean, I know where my kid is at all times. Where is my damn package?

I even check to make sure that the shipper shows that my package has been delivered after it has been delivered. I am committed to this and will follow through to the conclusion of the transaction. OCD, not doubt about it.

But with no tracking number, I am at the mercy of the USPS. Which, truth be told, sucks compared to UPS or Fed Ex, and only updates their info online after the package has reached its destination. But still. Give me something people!

So I wait. And wait.

I press my nose against the window, trying to see the bag which I hope is hanging from my mailbox, slowly wrenching the metal hook on the front until it falls off and I have to buy a new mailbox (which of course must be approved by the homeowners ASSociation, which is another post).

And it isn't there. It is never there.

So if you come to visit me (please visit me so I can be distracted from my delinquent shipment) just look over the debris as you enter my humble abode. The dust bunnies are all tame and the cat fur will come off in the wash.

Martha will reform me and my slackard ways.

She just isn't here yet. And I'm not quite sure where she is or when she'll get here.


buddha_girl said...

HG and I installed a new ceiling fan/light in our bedroom a couple of weeks ago. As he detached the blades shit from hell came pouring down on our bed, my head, and our kid.


However, take heed woman: People will remember us for our wonderous love and hysterical humor...fuck the bad housekeeping. *shrugging*

I don't want Martha's book. I want Martha to PAY A CLEANING SERVICE to come into my house once a week. That's a hell of a lot better than waiting umpteen days for a damn book.

On another note - I share your OCD tracking issues. Good times!

Jennifer said...

Ok, I AM the worst housekeeper in the universe. And as such, I will assure you Marthat has nothing to offer us. Her advice will consist of helpful nuggets like "after ironing, tie your sheets together with grosgrain ribbons and put lavender sachets between them so they'll always be fresh."
First of all, I don't iron....anything. If I was going to iron, it wouldn't be a sheet. I don't own any grosgrain ribbon. The only ribbon I own is the 17 rolls of curling ribbon I bought at Wal-Green's after Christmas for $.13 a roll. And lavender??? Puh-leeeeeze!!!!! Fix yourself a martini, grab a people and use the Martha Stewart book to prop your feet up!!

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Oh you are so funny! I think that packages have a very hard time navigating their way into Alabama...everything I order takes forever to get me since moving here!

M said...

Oh I SO could've written this. It's a sick sick obsession with tracking numbers I have. They make me frighteningly happy. And creepily angry as well. You poor poor tracking number free gal (and screw housecleaning. I promise. I'm worse than you!)

Catwoman said...

Uhm, ok... Did you write this post about me? Because DUDE! I sooooooo do this! EXCESSIVELY! And on the day where it's going to get delivered, if I'm at work, I'll obsessively check every five minutes to see if the package is on my front porch yet! I am PSYCHO about it! What did people do before online tracking?