Life in the Fish Bowl


Feeling Better, but Missing My Little Man

Lately things have been pretty hectic at our house. I guess not just lately, but since last fall. I think I have just been a little out of it since that first miscarriage in October. But you know that time of year there is so much to keep you busy - Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas. By the time we had the Christmas decorations down and the wrapping paper put away it was Valentine's Day.

I was here doing just enough to get by. Washing clothes just before everything was dirty. Cleaning house (or what passes for cleaning around here!) just when someone was coming over. Basically just calling it in. Sitting around on this computer waaay too much and not spending enough time out with my Punkin

Then another miscarriage. Since then it has gotten bad. My attitude sucks. The house looks like a toy box and someone's closet blew up in it. We've lived off Taco Bell and Little Caesars and my ass has grown accordingly. Then potty training. Oh. My. God. Someone rescue me please! Were not my husband either inordinately understanding or just too lazy to go elsewhere (still not quite well enough to answer that fairly) I figure I wouldn't have a husband at all.

And lately that would have suited me just fine. Because I pretty much just haven't give a shit.

For some reason, yesterday I started feeling better. Feeling like cleaning house, like maybe having a civil conversation with my husband, like getting out in the yard with my Punkin, like finishing the million projects either not started or half finished around my house. Today I've felt even better. I think I am finally walking out of the cloud of misery and feeling sorry for myself that I have been living in for months.

To those who know me who are reading this post, I'm sorry for my shitty attitude. Maybe I was just depressed, probably clinically, or maybe I was just being a big baby. I don't know. But I feel better now, I think.

My Punkin' has gone to stay with his Nanny tonight and I am missing him desperately. As much as I sometimes long for a free minute, for a second when he isn't jumping on my lap like it's a trampoline, or asking for lemonade, or - lately - taking a big dump in his pants, I love that little cutie so much! I miss him telling me he very loves me or that it's ok sweetie or that he wants me to sit in his lap.

He came and got in the bed with us this morning, but then went back to sleep. DH got called in to work, which woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. For the first time in I can't remember when, I was awake and Punkin' was sleeping. I lay there for half an hour and watched him sleeping, so angelic and peaceful in his slumber.

It brought back memories of watching him sleep on my chest when he was a baby, when the only place he would nap was laying on me. It made me remember that I have some wonderful things in my life and that I need to get over the disappointments and appreciate the great things that I do have and to stop crying over things that I have lost - or never had to begin with.

I have what I need, not always what I want, but what I need.

When I pick up Punkin' tomorrow evening he will have his old mommy back. My husband can have his old wife back, if he still wants me. Nothing is perfect and nothing ever will be and I think I can accept that now, or I am at least willing to try. I've got a great little family here and some great friends and I won't feel sorry for myself anymore. If I do, please, someone put a foot to my ass, ok?

I'm back.


Catwoman said...

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time! But I think it's pretty normal to grieve.

And your son? Is absolutely adorable and hysterical!

I'm a Mom!..? said...

It seems like the crappy luck is just going around.

Hang in there and take comfort in little Punkin' somehow, they just make everything better!